


Nirvana

by WingsOfWax



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: (but that's mild), (lots of drugs okay??), (of all kinds - i'll put warnings in the notes for those chapters), AU, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Explicit Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gang Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sex, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-09-27 10:16:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10007687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsOfWax/pseuds/WingsOfWax
Summary: Memories were a plague that had to be fought with the best drugs available. Day in, day out. Never a sober moment if at all possible. Keep up with the self destruction to smother the flames eating away at the brain.It’s easy. Pop a pill. Grind it up, snort the powder. Or, in Matt’s case, melt it down and inject it straight into a vein. Smoke the pain away. Whatever the poison, Aaron and Matt have access to it. They can get it and sell it over - for a price. They even deliver, if asked....or the sort-of gang au that no one asked for





	1. in which i introduce the first part of the plot quite poorly, but you'll catch on

**Author's Note:**

> first off - please, for the love of whatever you hold dear - mind the tags
> 
> there is RAMPANT and EXPLICIT drug use all through this thing, so if that's not okay with you, don't read it (what kinds of drugs? many different kinds of drugs. including one i made up)
> 
> there's also lots of sex - but you'll get chapter-by-chapter warnings for that shit
> 
> this one is actually all my fault for once - no one else to place blame on
> 
> basically i thought to myself, "what if andrew and aaron never met?" and this is what was born
> 
> [This playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/steppingonlegos/playlist/4UthlTGgBYdiGkq4FHscG4) from steppingonlegos has been a huge inspiration and you should give it a listen.
> 
> as always - if i need to update the tags, please let me know. i suck pretty badly at tagging things, so - read with caution i guess
> 
> [Check out this amazing art from Lio!!!](https://wingsofwaxx.tumblr.com/post/158529018733/lio-zehel-mere-wingsofwaxx-thanks-again-for)

Memories were a plague that had to be fought with the best drugs available. Day in, day out. Never a sober moment if at all possible. Keep up with the self destruction to smother the flames eating away at the brain. 

It’s easy. Pop a pill. Grind it up, snort the powder. Or, in Matt’s case, melt it down and inject it straight into a vein. Smoke the pain away. Whatever the poison, Aaron and Matt have access to it. They can get it and sell it over - for a price. They even deliver, if asked. 

But nothing could take away the memories entirely. Nothing could wash away the stains of scars that littered his skin. Nothing could eliminate his thoughts so totally that he forgot who he was. 

No matter what he tried, what he took, what he smoked - snorted - shot up - nothing  _ worked _ . Most of it came with unpleasant side-effects anyway. He isn’t looking for a steady addiction, like the ones meth or heroin produced. He could see what that did to the junkies he sold to (and Matt). No. 

He wants something to cancel him out. He doesn’t want to be Aaron Minyard anymore. He wants to fade into the abyss. _ Become one with the universe _ or whatever the fuck the potheads and ‘shroom eaters talk about all the time. 

It isn’t a desire to die. He still wants to get up tomorrow afternoon and go to the gym with Matt. He still wants to go to the club and binge drink. He still wants to sell to all the pathetic junkies around him and make money off their ridiculous addictions. He still wants to have everything he’d never had before. 

But.

There’s this new drug out. Aaron’s heard whispers of it here and there. They call it Nirvana. It’s supposed to be some kind of new high that’s unlike anything else. Matt’s busy chatting up some junkie bitch, so Aaron steps outside of the club they’re in and he makes a call.

“Hello Natalie,” he says as soon as the call connects. “What can you tell me about Nirvana?”

“It’s not cheap,” she says. She sounds sweet, and she looks sweet, too, with her multi-colored hair, but she’s one of the most vicious people Aaron’s ever met. After his stay in ICU two years ago, he started making friends. Natalie was one of the first. She’s got an all-girl gang that he deals to occasionally when they can’t find their own stuff. He never makes much - if any - profit on them, but it’s okay, since he gets something like protection from them. 

“And?” Aaron asks flatly. He shakes his head to get his hair out of his face. He can’t stand for anyone to touch his hair, so he rarely gets it cut. It’s too long now and falls in his eyes all the time. He’s almost considering just letting it grow so it will hide the scar on his face that stretches from temple to chin. It’s still new enough to be red. He hates it.

Natalie laughs a little and he can hear her moving. “I know who makes it. I can hook you up. But there are...side effects.”

“There always are,” Aaron sighs. “Is it addictive?”

“Surprisingly no.” Natalie hums a little. “It’s more like...do you remember when you and Katelyn did that little cocktail together?”

Aaron laughs. “Yeah, how could I forget?” Katelyn is one of Natalie’s girls. Aaron’s pretty sure she’s actually an angel, but she’s far too good for a piece of shit like him. He doesn’t want to taint her. 

“Nirvana is...similar. Although, far more potent. In essence, it makes you forget who you are. It lasts for several hours. There’s a hangover like from cracker dust and too much tequila.”

Aaron wasn’t really listening after she’d said that  _ it makes you forget who you are _ . That’s what he wants. It’s what he needs. “When can I get some?”

“For yourself or to sell?” she asks.

“For me,” he says breathlessly. 

He can hear the smile in her voice when she says, “When can you get here?”

“Let me find Matt.” He hangs up the phone and heads back into the club. Matt is at the bar and downing a shot when he finds him. He grabs Matt’s arm, tosses a few bills at the bartender and hauls him out of the club - which isn’t an easy task, considering Matt is a couple of inches shy of a whole foot and a half taller than Aaron and the club is packed. He manages without too much difficulty. 

“Where are we going?” Matt asks, slinging his arm around Aaron’s shoulders once they make it to the sidewalk. “We just got here.”

“Natalie’s.” Aaron glances up at him through his hair. “She’s got that new shit - Nirvana.”

Matt’s eyes go wide. “Oh shit.” His face splits into a huge grin. “Please tell me we’re gonna get to try it!”

Aaron nods. “That’s the plan. She said you forget who you are.”

Matt squeezes Aaron’s shoulder. He knows that those are Aaron’s magic words. He’s been so desperate to find something,  _ anything  _ to take away his memories. He has the worst nightmares. Matt has to wake him up all the time. He can only remember bits and pieces, but he feels like they aren’t really  _ his  _ nightmares anyway. It doesn’t make sense, and he knows that. It’s another reason he wants to forget. He feels like he’s crazy.

Natalie’s got a nice little set up near some section eight apartment complexes. She rents out an entire floor for herself and her girls. There’s a gym across the street and a bodega half a block down. She has all of her girls learn to fight in the gym, and Aaron and Matt head down there to fight with them at least once a week. It’s good practice. Aaron has only ever beaten Natalie once. He won’t use knives with her, since he’s no match when she has a blade in her hand, but he’s learning more about how to use his new butterfly knives from her - which is more than useful.

He hits the button on the panel outside of the door to be buzzed in. He can hear the door unlatch. Matt pushes it open and they head inside. Aaron’s pretty sure Natalie’s got cameras set up all around this place, but he hasn’t asked because he really just doesn’t want to know. They head up six flights of stairs to get to Natalie’s floor. All of the doors are open and the girls call out hellos and wave as they pass. Aaron mostly ignores them; Matt waves back.

Natalie is in her own apartment down at the far end of the hall. She’s got her back to them where she’s standing in the kitchen. Aaron stops at the door and waits. He won’t enter her space without permission - common courtesy and all that. She finally turns her head to look at him and waves him in with a flour-covered hand.

“What are you making?” Matt asks as he follows Aaron in. 

Aaron perches on a barstool and tugs the cookbook she’s using over to himself. “Puff pastry?”

“For now,” Natalie says with a smile. She turns after putting them in the oven. Her apron is bright pink with white polka-dots and frills around the edges. It looks so wrong on her that Aaron can’t help but smirk. “I might do a chocolate ganache to go inside of them.”

“That sounds good.” Matt crosses his arms and props them on the counter beside Aaron. He has to bend over to do it properly. “Any reason?”

“Oh, a friend of mine is coming to visit. Her name is Allison.” Natalie looks at Aaron. “She says she knows you.”

Aaron shrugs. “Does she buy?” Natalie shakes her head. “Then I don’t know how she’d know me.” He’s left all traces of himself from before New York buried deep in California. He doesn’t remember ever meeting an “Allison” anyway.

There is a buzz that signals someone wanting in. Natalie reaches over to hit the button on the wall to let whoever it is in the building. “Well, we’ll find out soon, I suppose.” She smiles. “She’s on her way up.”

“The Nirvana?” Aaron asks. He shifts on the stool and knows he’s acting like one of the junkies he sells to, but he’s impatient. 

“I’ll get it.” Natalie’s smile vanishes. She goes into her bedroom and is gone for a few minutes. When she returns, they can hear the girls in the hall shouting greetings again. Natalie holds out a little orange bottle to Aaron. Inside are four white capsules. “Swallow them. It won’t work if you try to break them open and snort it.” Aaron nods and take the bottle and pockets it.

“How much?”

“We’ll settle it later,” Natalie says softly. She turns then, and Aaron doesn’t get the chance to argue because her friend comes into the apartment. He doesn’t like owing debts to anyone - but especially not to Natalie.

The woman is tall and dark and blonde and looks like she just walked off of a runway. Aaron watches as she sweeps Natalie up into a tight hug. “You never call me, bitch!” Allison complains loudly.

Natalie laughs and returns Allison’s hug. Aaron feels like he’s watching something a little more intimate than friends seeing each other again after a long time apart. He says nothing. Instead, he hops off the stool and elbows Matt in the ribs. “We’ll leave you two to catch up.”

“Oh.” Allison looks him up and down and back up. “You aren’t the monster. But you look like him.” She looks at Natalie. “I thought you said his name was Andrew.”

“Aaron,” he corrects for her. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

Allison rolls her eyes and digs into what has got to be the world’s tiniest purse and finds a cell phone. She flips through it for a moment before turning it around and showing Aaron a picture. He just stares. It’s like looking in a fucking mirror from six months ago - before the fucking scar on his face. The man in the picture has his face, his hair, his eyes, his  _ expression _ . It’s eerie. 

“Who the fuck is that?” Aaron demands, looking up at Allison. 

“Andrew Doe.” She flicks her fingers at him. “You’re his doppleganger or something. It’s freaky.”

Aaron takes a step back. He thinks about the nightmares - the pieces he can remember - and how he didn’t feel like himself. None of this is okay. His fist clenches around the bottle in his pocket and he remembers that he has an escape now. Even if it’s just temporary, he’ll take it. 

“I have to go,” he mumbles through numb lips. He ducks out of the door without so much as a glance at Natalie or Matt and he barely keeps himself from running down the hall to the stairs. Once he is in the stairwell, he does run. He has to get away. 

He jogs back to his and Matt’s apartment. It's eighteen blocks away. He doesn't care. He jogs through the muggy night and tries to erase the image of Andrew Doe from his mind. He doesn't want it there. 

But when he gets to his apartment, he's still on edge. He goes to his personal stash and he starts breaking up pills to snort. Oxys will calm him down a little, he knows, so he blows through two of them and waits impatiently for them to hit his system. He hasn't eaten since about three that afternoon and it's eleven now, so that should help. Yet, by the time Matt finally gets back - more than a half hour later - Aaron is still jittery. 

“Why’d you freak?” Matt asks, throwing his body on the couch. 

Aaron scowls at him. “Did you see that fucking picture? That asshole looks  _ exactly like me _ . It’s fucking weird.” He rubs his hands down his face and sinks into the chair he likes, the one by the window that looks over the city. They live on the top floor because Aaron likes to be high up and away from the rest of the world. 

“It’s just some guy that lives down in South Carolina,” Matt says with a shrug. 

Everything freezes, just grinds to a total stop. Aaron turns his head to look at Matt with wide eyes. “What else did she say?” That Allison woman had to have told him that. Who else could have? Matt doesn’t know anything about Aaron’s past - about the family he’d heard about that had refused to take him in when his mother died. He’s kept it locked up tight. Those secrets aren’t meant to be shared. 

“She said she met him through Kevin Day, that exy player. That guy in the picture and his cousin live together and work at some club that Kevin goes to a lot, I guess. I don’t remember half of what she said. There’s some other kid she was rambling on about - Neil, or something - and how pretty he was. I dunno, man.”

There’s not really enough air in the room, enough space, enough...of anything. He feels too small for the world, like an ant that is going to be crushed. He feels too big for his skin, like it can’t contain all that’s within him. There’s an explosion lingering somewhere inside of him, deep in his core, but it’s expanding with each shallow, ragged breath he takes.

Matt is kneeling in front of him, his hands on either side of Aaron’s face, holding him. “Hey. Breathe. Come on.” He catches Aaron’s hazel eyes with his own. “In and out. Breathe, Aaron.” Aaron sucks in a shaky breath and exhales. Matt nods and smiles a little. “That’s it. You’ve got this.” He rubs his thumbs over Aaron’s cheekbones - one scarred red, the other white and whole.

Aaron clutches at Matt’s arms. “I can’t do this.” His whisper is barely audible. Matt can only hear him because he is barely a few inches from Aaron’s face. 

“Do what?” Matt asks. “You don’t have to do anything.” He frowns a little and shifts closer on his knees, making himself more comfortable. He lowers his hands from Aaron’s face, but rests them in Aaron’s lap instead, so Aaron can keep holding onto him. 

“I just want to forget,” Aaron says, and lowers his head. Matt presses his forehead to the top of Aaron’s head and they sit like that for a long moment. The pill bottle is still in Aaron’s pocket. He can feel it digging into his thigh. He lets go of Matt’s arm and grabs it. “One each?” He shakes the pills around and looks up at Matt again.

“Food first,” Matt says, and pulls away. Aaron lets him go and curls in on himself. “We haven’t eaten and Natalie said this stuff had a bitch of a hangover.” Aaron just nods, but won’t look at him. Matt cards one hand through his half-spiked black hair and sighs a little. Then he just bends over and picks Aaron up.

“Put me down,” Aaron snaps, but he doesn’t move at all. Matt just smiles a little. 

“In the kitchen,” Matt agrees with a nod. He walks across the living room and into their smallish kitchen before setting Aaron down on the counter by the stove. Aaron just pulls the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands and tugs viciously at the fraying cuffs. 

He’s trapped in his mind again, feeling like he’s too much and not enough all at once. He and Matt don’t acknowledge what they do together when they are alone, but that’s for the best. Aaron has far too much deeply-ingrained homophobia, even if he doesn’t really feel that way, and Matt...well, Aaron doesn’t really know since he doesn’t ask. They’re closer than they should be, here in this apartment, but it’s okay - it’s fine - as long as no one else knows.

Matt makes macaroni and cheese out of a box and ham sandwiches - not a gourmet meal by any means, and far from healthy, but it will do the trick. Aaron is silent the entire time he waits for the food. The picture of the man -  _ Andrew Doe _ \- on Allison’s phone haunts him. He can’t put into words to Matt why he is so bothered unless he tells Matt everything, and he doesn’t want to do that. So he keeps silent. 

They eat, Matt turns on some music - something loud with a lot of bass and drums and screaming, Aaron likes it - and they head back to the living room. There are bottles of water already scattered around for if they need them. They’ve experimented with different drugs far too many times not to be somewhat prepared for what this Nirvana might do to them. Aaron shakes out two of the capsules and goes to his bedroom to lock the other two away in his safe. When he returns to the living room, he gives one to Matt. They take them at the same time and settle down with a video game to wait for them to kick in. 


	2. in which there's sex, mostly (and a bit of aftercare, 'cause i'm a bit of a sap)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes twenty minutes - maybe a little less, maybe a little more. Aaron hasn’t been timing this as well as he should have. But he knows the moment it kicks in. The colors in the room - normally muted and dull - become too bright and loud. But he likes them. He can’t concentrate on the game, so the controller slips out of his hands. He’s distantly aware of his car crashing and burning. 
> 
> (or, ~sex)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the one with the sex in it, obviously (but there are others with sex too...)
> 
> some things i'd like to address:  
> 1) this should probably be considered dub-con considering they are both high out of their fucking minds;  
> 2) this isn't, in any reality, considered safe, sane, or consensual - please, for the love of whatever you hold dear, don't think that i recommend this or whatever - it's really not okay;  
> 3) elements of breathplay and biting & scratching; rimming, fingering, prostate play? (idk if that's a thing, but whatever), and anal sex - so yeah - there's your warnings;  
> 4) again - this is NOT safe, sane, or consensual because they are both HIGH OUT OF THEIR GODDAMN MINDS;  
> 5) i made up the drug nirvana and all its effects 
> 
> look y'all, i do research before i write shit like this and i have done plenty of my own shit in my life - while what i write is, yes, pretty fucking far out there, it's not ~necessarily that far off the mark. so please - if you have questions ASK ME. i won't think it's weird and i certainly won't be embarrassed by it, so neither should you. (and if you want proof of my research, i can damn well provide that too - in whatever citation style you choose. i legit know them ALL. it's about the only good my literature/writing degree has done me so far)
> 
> TL;DR: don't try this at home; questions? [ask me](https://wingsofwaxx.tumblr.com/)

It takes twenty minutes - maybe a little less, maybe a little more. Aaron hasn’t been timing this as well as he should have. But he knows the moment it kicks in. The colors in the room - normally muted and dull - become too bright and loud. But he likes them. He can’t concentrate on the game, so the controller slips out of his hands. He’s distantly aware of his car crashing and burning. 

And then, he just - forgets. 

There’s no anxiety. He’s relaxed, but he still has control of his body. It’s not like heroin, where he feels like he can’t move at all. He isn’t sleepy. He’s just...settled, at peace. He’s half-aware of the dopey grin stretching across his face. When he looks at Matt, Matt is grinning at him too. 

He knows  _ who _ he is - sort of. He knows his name is Aaron Minyard. He knows he is twenty-four years old. He knows that he lives in New York City with Matt Boyd and that they are drug dealers. But everything else? It’s just...fallen away. He has no memories and no desire to search for them. They’ve all stopped. 

“This is perfect,” Aaron says. “Fucking amazing.” He laugh, loudly, and surprises himself - but he doesn’t know why that’s surprising. Matt laughs too, and then they are laughing together and he doesn’t even know why anymore.

“You’re so tiny!” Matt laughs, poking at Aaron’s side. “How are you so small? Like - like - how do you  _ do  _ anything?”

Aaron punches Matt in the arm - even though he’s laughing too. “I don’t fucking know, asswipe.” He huffs and stretches and - oh, that feels really good. He rolls his eyes a little and groans as he stretches again, like a cat, and then sinks into the couch feeling boneless. “Stretch,” Aaron sighs. “Feels fucking great.”

“What?” Matt asks. Aaron won’t open his eyes to see if Matt is looking at him, but he thinks he might be. He doesn’t care. He’s too relaxed, too - what is he? Whatever he is, he feels like he’s literally a part of the couch now. It’s fantastic. 

“Stretch,” Aaron sighs. “Or whatever.”

“How are you falling asleep?” Matt asks, poking him in the side again. He hits bare flesh. Something in the back of Aaron’s mind flares at that, but it’s stamped down again before it really even registers. “I’m too hyper…” Matt’s voice trails off as his fingers trail along Aaron’s skin. 

Aaron opens his eyes. He watches Matt’s hand on his skin. The contrast of dark to light is far more exaggerated that it usually would be. The touch is electric - sending tingles down his spine. He shivers. Matt’s pupils are blown wide, and Aaron wonders if his look the same. Matt’s whole hand flattens against Aaron’s stomach, most of his hand vanishing under Aaron’s shirt and hoodie. 

“What the fuck.” It isn’t a question, merely a statement. He thinks someone warned him about this - maybe - but this… Whatever he expected out of Nirvana, this wasn’t it. Matt’s hand slides across his stomach, fingertips catching over the edges of raised scars. It’s like he can feel the touch straight down to his bones and all the way up in his hair. It’s everywhere and in just that one spot at the same time. 

“I don’t know.” Matt bends over Aaron, hovering over him on his knees, and brings up his other hand to Aaron’s stomach, pushing Aaron’s hoodie and shirt up just a fraction so both hands can roam Aaron’s chest and sides. Aaron hisses when Matt’s fingers graze his over-sensitive nipples. His mind has blanked on everything but this touch, this sensation. And he wants  _ more _ . 

There is a flash of something again, just in the back of his mind, as he sits up, forcing Matt back out of his space. He tugs his hoodie and his shirt over his head in one movement and tosses them to the floor. It’s very warm in their apartment now - he doesn’t know why that feels odd to think. Or why it feels odd to be shirtless. But he can’t think about any of that. The thoughts form and vanish and refuse to be recalled. Which is fine - perfect really. He is  _ present  _ only. There is no past, no future, no anything else but what he is and what he feels at this very moment. 

Matt’s hands go straight for his hips and lift him too easily. Aaron has to grab onto Matt’s shoulders to balance, but soon he’s straddling Matt’s hips with his knees digging into the couch cushions. Matt’s hands are everywhere on his skin - his chest and sides and back, his shoulder and arms, his neck, his face. And then they’re kissing - all tongues and teeth and biting. Searing kisses that come just short of drawing blood as Aaron’s hands fist in Matt’s hair and yank his head back as Matt shouts like some kind of porn star. 

Aaron grinds his hips against Matt’s. There is only now, only this. He leans forward and bites down on Matt’s neck. Matt takes one of Aaron’s hands and presses it to his throat, his eyes wide and greedy as Aaron sits up. He doesn’t say anything, but Aaron squeezes his hand experimentally and Matt’s eyes roll back into his head as his hips buck up into Aaron’s thighs. Aaron smirks and lifts himself up higher to lean over Matt where he’s leaned his head back. He kisses him hard and presses his hand to his throat again, just for a few seconds. 

Matt wrapps both arms around Aaron’s back and hauls him closer as he lifts his head. He kisses down Aaron’s neck and to his shoulder, then pushes Aaron back and bends down so he can kiss Aaron’s chest as he grips Aaron’s hips and ass. One of Aaron’s hands grips Matt’s shoulder and the other sinks into his hair. The moment Matt’s lips close around Aaron’s nipple, he’s scratching Matt’s shoulder and yanking at his hair, but his head is tossed back and he’s - moaning. It’s surprising, but he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t know if he can. 

But then Matt is moving him, lifting him again, laying him down on the couch and  _ his tongue is everywhere _ . He is kissing and licking all over Aaron’s chest - his collarbones, his scars, his nipples, his abs, his stomach, his navel, right down to the low hem of his jeans. Aaron’s nails are digging into Matt’s back, scrabbling for purchase, to stay anchored. It's almost too much and it is not quite enough. His hips buck and his hard cock grinds against Matt’s chest where it's trapped in his jeans. 

“Let me blow you.” Matt’s voice is low and  _ wrecked _ and his mouth is shining with spit as he lifts his head to look at Aaron. 

“Yes,” Aaron groans, and he is already moving his hands to undo his belt. Matt reaches down and lifts his leg, bending his knee and yanking at the ties on his boots. Aaron has his jeans undone and halfway down his hips by the time Matt gets his first boot off. It falls to the floor with a too-loud thud that echoes around in Aaron’s skull. Matt takes another moment to get rid of Aaron’s other boot, and Aaron shoves his jeans and boxer-briefs down to mid-thigh. Matt tugs them the rest of the way off, taking Aaron’s socks with them. 

He stares for a moment, his hand skimming along Aaron’s chest and lower, down to just below his navel, but then he stops and he pulls off his own tee shirt. It falls to the growing pile of clothes on the floor. He kicks off his boots too and stretches out over Aaron, holding himself up over him, then kisses him. Aaron makes it harsh and biting, one hand tugging at the back of Matt’s hair just above his undercut and the other wrapped under his arm and over his back, scratching long marks into his back. 

Matt groans into Aaron’s mouth and his hips jerk forward. Aaron is already achingly hard and leaking precum all over Matt’s chest. He doesn’t care. Nothing matters but the touch, the sensation, the urge to come. Matt kisses and bites his way down Aaron’s chest once more, lingering again over his much-too-sensitive nipples and making Aaron  _ shout  _ with need. 

Finally, finally, Matt goes lower, and his mouth reaches Aaron’s cock. He grabs Aaron’s wrists and holds them to Aaron’s chest, just over the sloppy “R” carved in the center, and he licks from base to head. Aaron tries to buck his hips and break Matt’s grip, but it’s useless. Matt’s grip isn’t that tight, but it is solid and strong. Aaron’s panting and gasping, little moans escaping between each breath. 

“Fuck!” Aaron shouts when Matt teases him with a slow lick around the head of his cock. He doesn’t care what he sounds like anymore. There is only this. “Do it, goddamn you!” Matt looks up at him, smirking. He uses his other hand to move Aaron’s leg up and over his shoulder, and then he  _ does it _ . He takes Aaron’s cock into his mouth, nearly to the back of his throat, and Aaron  _ shouts _ . A whole-body shiver wracks through him. Matt drags his lips and tongue over his cock achingly slowly as he lifts his head and lowers it again, swirling his tongue and humming. 

Aaron can’t process anything for a while, just the sensation, the tingles and the electricity and the heat. He’s not  _ Aaron _ anymore - and that’s just perfect. He’s nothing but what he is feeling at that very second - just a body contracted down to a space and a touch. 

Matt’s other hand is on his balls, squeezing gently and rubbing as he sucks hard at the head of Aaron’s cock and Aaron fights to get his hands free, to hold on to something, to dig his fingers into something. But he can’t, and maybe - that’s really okay. Matt uses his shoulder to lift Aaron’s other leg, and then his mouth is on Aaron’s balls and -  _ fuck _ . He’s rotating between staring at Matt and his eyes rolling back into his head as he groans. Matt’s eyes seem pure black.

When he finally takes his mouth away, Aaron is shaking and panting. He’s more than ready to just come already, but Matt still isn’t letting his hands go, and he still isn’t touching Aaron’s cock. His free hand is gripping Aaron’s ass, holding him tightly but not painfully. Matt flashes him a grin as Aaron stares at him. Matt lifts his ass in the air as Matt sits up some. This gives Matt more reach, allowing him to stretch Aaron’s arms back over his head to the arm of the couch. Aaron can feel blood rushing to his head, but then -

Matt’s tongue circles his asshole and Aaron hisses as he throws his head back. Matt’s hand shifts to the inside of Aaron’s thigh, his arm wrapping around his leg, moving him exactly where he wants him. His tongue laps at his hole, and then presses inside and Aaron - Aaron is shaking and gasping and every exhale is a half-moan. Matt doesn’t relent, his tongue driving into him again and again, curling upwards inside of him and getting so, so close…

But then, he lets up. He backs off, and he lowers Aaron slowly, lets go of his wrists and wipes one hand through the precum pooling on Aaron’s chest. He smears it on his jeans and just looks at Aaron for a long moment. “Bedroom?” he finally asks. 

Aaron nods. His legs are shaking and his arms feel like they have no feeling in them, though it can’t be from Matt - he wasn’t holding onto him tightly enough for that. He says, “You’re gonna have to carry me.”

Matt laughs, and Aaron laughs, but Matt stands and gathers Aaron into his arms with both legs tossed over one arm and Aaron’s back supported with the other. He carries him easily through the living room and into Matt’s own room. It’s dark, but Matt doesn’t seem to care because he doesn’t turn on a light. He stretches Aaron out on the bed, sideways, and then shucks his jeans as quickly as he can. He digs into the drawer of the table beside his bed and tosses a bottle of lube onto the mattress by Aaron’s hip. He’s just as hard as Aaron is. Aaron sits up - suddenly okay to move again - and grabs Matt’s hips. 

From where he’s sitting, he’s at the perfect height for Matt’s cock. So he opens his mouth and he wraps one hand around the base of it as he licks the head and starts to suck on it. Matt’s hands grip at his upper arms and shoulders as his head tips back and he groans loud again. Aaron fishes around with his free hand for the lube and uncaps it, then squeezes it directly on Matt’s cock where his lips and hand don’t meet. The sudden cold makes Matt hiss. 

The shit tastes like fucking orange creamsicle, he knows, so he smears it with the hand already on Matt’s cock and drops the lube back to the mattress. He grows a little more enthusiastic, sucking and using his tongue as much as he can, though he isn’t as skilled as Matt, so his hands make up for the difference - twisting and squeezing exactly the right amount, then dropping down to Matt’s balls. Matt’s hips jerk a little and Aaron gags, but he just - doesn’t care. Not now. Not with the Nirvana dimming everything but the immediate present. 

He can tell Matt is already close. He knows it doesn’t take long - he was so, so close himself before Matt stopped everything on the couch. So he pulls Matt a little closer, uses both hands and his tongue, and he works Matt as hard and as fast as he can. Matt’s nearly screaming and so  _ loud _ . Aaron only pushes him away when he starts to come, and it stripes down Aaron’s chest to join the remainders of his own precome still drying there. 

Matt wobbles a little on his feet until Aaron stands and pushes him down so that he’s sitting on the bed. He goes to the bathroom attached to Matt’s room and grabs one of his towels to wipe away the mess, but he carries it back out with him. He’s still hard - still aching - and he wants to be done. 

Matt’s eyes are still shining black and he’s grinning at Aaron when he comes back into the room. “I have an idea, if you’ll let me try it,” he says. 

“Go for it,” Aaron says, because he’s up for anything right now. Nothing but right now even matters. Just the way Matt’s hands and mouth feel against his skin as Matt pulls him to the bed. Matt kisses him only for a moment before moving them both. He lays Aaron out on his back and kneels between his legs. 

“Grab the headboard,” Matt says. Aaron lifts his arms over his head, pushing his hair out of his eyes as he does so. That - that doesn’t feel good, so he avoids doing it again. He wraps each hand around the metal slats that make up the frame of the headboard. “Don’t let go, okay?”

Aaron nods and just watches as Matt lifts his legs again folding one knee over an arm and propping the other on a shoulder. Aaron isn’t lifted entirely into the air this time, and he’s glad for that. He licks his lips and adjusts his grip on the headboard as he watches Matt grab the lube and slick up his fingers. They touch his hole, and Aaron sucks in a breath. 

“Let me know if I do something you don’t like,” Matt whispers, and Aaron has to wonder how he even has the brain space to think about that. Aaron certainly can’t. He nods anyway. Matt starts slow, working in one finger gently, in and out - and then he adds a second. He doesn’t touch Aaron’s cock.

It isn’t the best Aaron has felt all night, and he’s opening his mouth to say so, when Matt suddenly smirks and crooks his fingers upwards. Aaron’s whole body jerks and he moans - loudly. Matt’s fingers never leave that spot, massaging and tapping and going over and over Aaron’s prostate again and again. It’s all Aaron can do to keep his hands on the metal slats, to keep his legs in place, to keep  _ breathing _ . Everything in him is building towards an orgasm, but Matt won’t touch his cock.

“Come on, babe,” Matt teases. Aaron shakes and rolls his head to the side as he groans. “ _ Come on _ .” His fingers move faster and harder. 

Aaron  _ shouts _ . He bites down on the edge of the pillow under his head. He’s coming - he knows he is - but it isn’t...quite right. He doesn’t know. He shakes and shakes and Matt’s fingers just don’t stop working against his prostate - making him come again. And again. 

His eyes flash open as he looks down at himself. He’s still hard - there’s nothing but precome dripping down on his stomach still. He’s shouting so loudly he can hear himself echoing in the room. And Matt is grinning and nipping at his scarred calf, even laughing a little. Aaron’s entire existence seems to fade into pure orgasm and he  _ loves it. _

It does fade, eventually, after Matt has stopped attacking his prostate - but he’s only added another finger, still stretching him. Aaron looks at him. “Can I fuck you?” Matt asks.

“I’ll fucking stab you if you don’t,” Aaron swears. He jerks and feels like he’s coming again when Matt deliberately digs his knuckles into Aaron’s prostate. Matt laughs. “Fuck you, goddamn bastard. Hurry the fuck up already.” He doesn’t care how or why, he just wants to finally come - for real. And then perhaps fuck Matt. 

Matt adds more lube and a fourth finger and Aaron is sent back to that blitzed out space of pure pleasure once more, where his entire existence is nothing but an orgasm. He is distantly aware of Matt’s fingers leaving for a while, the sound of a condom wrapper opening, and then of Matt moving over him. He kisses Matt, but it’s irrelevant, because Matt is sliding inside of him and he is nothing again. Only pleasure. Only sensation.

Matt fucks him slowly, until Aaron lets go of the headboard. He digs one hand into Matt’s hair and claws at Matt’s back with the other hand. He kisses Matt as hard as he can and bites at his neck and shoulders as Matt thrusts into him harder - and harder still. He yanks Matt’s hair back and digs his heels into Matt’s ass, spurning him on. 

Finally, Matt grabs both of his hands and pushes them back to the headboard again. “Don’t let go.” It is more a demand this time, less a request. Aaron grabs the slats as hard as he can. Matt grabs Aaron’s legs and hooks them over his shoulders. He kneels in front of Aaron, bending him over nearly in half, and he thrusts in. Matt has to stretch one hand over him and latch onto the top of the headboard as well for balance.

Aaron  _ screams _ . It’s perfect. Matt’s hips snap into him again and again, and he is flying high - higher than ever. Matt’s hand on his cock makes him want to bite something, so he twists his head into the pillow and he bites down on that again. He doesn’t last long - just a few pulls, and then he’s coming everywhere. He’s out of his mind with pleasure, completely out of his body.

* * *

 

He comes back to himself because of Matt, who is sitting with him in a tub full of nearly scalding-hot water. Matt is rubbing his arms gently, but he has his own head tilted back against the rim of the tub and his eyes are closed. Aaron is curled up literally on Matt’s chest, his head resting on Matt’s shoulder. He’s staring at a bite mark that’s already darkened to a bruise. 

How long has it been?

He is still high. The world is still too sharp, colors still too bright and he still doesn’t really  _ remember _ , but it’s okay. He’s still Aaron Minyard. He knows that. He just...nothing more because it isn’t there. He tilts his head back to look at Matt and frowns at the bruises on Matt’s neck - all hickeys and bite marks. 

“Feeling better?” Matt asks without looking at him. Aaron hums a little. “You were really fucking out of it there for a while.” Aaron doesn’t answer. He shifts so that he sinks more into the water beside Matt and he knows the high is fading by the way the world shifts unpleasantly and how he aches.

He supposes he really can’t be surprised, not after that apparent marathon of rough sex. He grimaces a little. “I need a shower.”

“We need…water. Sports drinks. That kind of shit.” Matt rolls his head to the side to look at Aaron. “And food. Food would be nice.” Matt has apparently come down from his high a bit faster than Aaron has. He sounds hungover. 

“Go get some.” Matt rolls his eyes at Aaron’s demand, but he shifts away from Aaron and stands. Aaron just stares at the scratch marks down Matt’s back. They’re an angry red, but there’s no broken skin at least. Aaron just soaks in the water. He knows he should get up and move to the shower, but he just...doesn’t want to move. 

Matt comes back and finds him still curled up in the tub and just smiles a little, even if he shakes his head as well. He hands Aaron a bottle of water and makes him drink it as he downs his own. After that, it’s all business. Aaron feels a bit like a ragdoll as Matt tugs him out of the tub after pulling the plug. He makes Aaron get into the shower and then actually gets in with him. Aaron allows him to wash his hair - Matt is gentle, always - and bathe him. Aaron just sort of leans tiredly against the wall while Matt takes care of himself. 

After the shower, Matt towels Aaron off and dresses him in some of Matt’s gym shorts rather than going into Aaron’s room to find some of Aaron’s own clothes. He also tugs one of his own shirts over Aaron’s head. At some point he must have stripped his bedsheets and changed them because the bed is clean when he piles up with Aaron in the center. They sleep, and Aaron doesn’t dream at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you have enjoyed my poorly written smutfest
> 
> leave me some comments or drop by my tumblr to tell me what an awful job i've done
> 
> *drugs are bad, kids - don't do them* (i can vouch for that)
> 
>  
> 
> [come yell at me if you want](https://wingsofwaxx.tumblr.com/)


	3. the one which introduces a bit more of the plot (and features more asshole aaron)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron ignores his burner phone. The junkies can wait for now. The only person he bothers to respond to is Natalie, via his personal phone. She asks if he enjoyed the Nirvana. He sends back it was perfect and they leave it at that. Until she asks if she can stop by. He can’t exactly turn her down, since he still owes her for the drugs, so he agrees and forces himself to finally crawl out of Matt’s bed and go get dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what to say about this one, 'cept for that there's more blatant drug use
> 
> but i mean, if that bothers you, i'd seriously recommend that you find something else to read...

It takes almost half a day to recover from the Nirvana, but if asked, Aaron would say it was worth every second of his splitting headache and nauseous stomach. He isn’t really embarrassed about his behavior from the night before - it’s happened before, though not to that extent and he’s never let Matt fuck him. He is a little guilty for leaving so many marks all over Matt, but from the way he’s aching, he can’t say Matt didn’t deserve at least some of them. Not that he’s complaining about the ache - it’s not like it’s localized, but rather a sort of bone-deep tiredness that just comes from doing far too much. 

Aaron ignores his burner phone. The junkies can wait for now. The only person he bothers to respond to is Natalie, via his personal phone. She asks if he enjoyed the Nirvana. He sends back  _ it was perfect _ and they leave it at that. Until she asks if she can stop by. He can’t exactly turn her down, since he still owes her for the drugs, so he agrees and forces himself to finally crawl out of Matt’s bed and go get dressed. 

He’s barely managed to tug on a pair of old black sweatpants and an oversized hoodie by the time Natalie arrives. Matt doesn’t look much better in gym shorts and an old tee shirt. They are sitting in the living room debating on what to call in for takeout when she walks through the door - with Allison beside her - bearing bags full of Thai from the place down the street. 

“Oh thank fuck,” Aaron mutters. Matt stands to take the bags from her and goes to the kitchen with them. Aaron doesn’t budge from his chair. Natalie raises one sleek eyebrow at him and he shrugs. “Long night, bad hangover.”

“I did warn you,” she says with a sharp smile. He only nods. She sits down on the end of the couch closest to him. 

Aaron waves his hand at Allison. “Sit wherever. Can’t be as fancy as what you’re used to, princess, but it’s what we’ve got.” She sneers at the nickname and perches on the arm of the couch between him and Natalie, her arm curled around Natalie’s shoulders. “What can I do for you, Natalie?” He turns his attention away from the sheer amount of thigh Allison has on display and focuses on Natalie instead.

Natalie gives him one of her sweet smiles - the ones that mean she wants something. “Allison’s friends want to come to New York City,” she says with a little shrug. “They can’t stay with me and my girls, but I’d like for them to have a comfortable place, somewhere they feel safe - and somewhere they won’t have to pay a fortune to do so.”

“How many of them are there?” Matt asks from the kitchen. Aaron’s eyes flick over to him. The dark bruises on his neck are prominent, even from this distance. He doesn’t let himself blush because of them. Natalie knew good and damn well what Nirvana would do them - how could she expect any different? Matt dumps one of the containers onto a plate and shoves a pair of chopsticks into it - that would be Aaron’s plate. He grabs forks for the other plates.

“Four,” Allison answers. “Nicky, Kevin, Neil, and Andrew.” She looks at Aaron. “Call it coincidence or whatever, but that was the reason I came up here first, to find them a place to stay. They have money, but Kevin can’t be around Ravens. And Andrew is...picky.” 

Aaron stiffens a little. He looks at Natalie. “You think I can keep him away from those bastards?”

“You know their territory better than anyone,” she says quietly. 

“Out of necessity,” Aaron snaps. He points to the long scar on his face. “After they fucked up my face for catching me a  _ second time _ , I figured I'd better fucking learn.” He looks away from her and down at the street. “I can't keep myself safe. What makes you think I can do any better with someone else?”

“You don't have to keep him safe.” Allison touches his shoulder and he jerks away from her like he's been burned. She frowns but doesn't comment. “Andrew will keep them  _ safe _ , you just need to tell them where to stay away from. Who to avoid.” 

Natalie sighs. “Kevin was a Raven, Aaron.”

He sucks in a sharp breath and jerks to his feet. “ _ Fuck _ no! No! Not here! I'm not letting one of those assholes anywhere near my fucking apartment. And fuck you for even asking, Natalie!” He goes to storm off, but Natalie catches his wrist in a grip that means she could break it if she twisted just right. He stills. 

“He is no longer a Raven, and for good reason. He doesn't associate with them any longer. I would never put you in danger, Aaron. You know that. I swore to look out for you, didn't I?”

He looks over his shoulder at her. The side of his face with the scar shows perfectly. “Look how much good that's done me.”

“Enough, Aaron,” Matt chides. He puts down the plates of food he's carrying and breaks Natalie’s grip on Aaron’s wrist. “There's nothing she could have done about that. We have the whole floor, so they can take the apartment next door. We owe Natalie for everything she's done.”

Aaron looks up at Matt with narrowed eyes. “We don't owe her.” He jerks his head over at Allison. 

“If you do this,” Natalie says, “it will be as a favor to me, not Allison.” She reaches out slowly and touches the scar on Aaron’s face with her fingertips. “I truly am sorry that I wasn't there for you, Aaron. I broke my word to you, and I cannot forgive myself for that. I have been meaning to ask you how I could possibly repay you.” 

“Don't make me do this,” he whispers. “Please, Natalie. I don't want them here.” 

“I don't have anywhere else for them to go, Aaron,” Natalie says softly. She drops her hand and lowers her head. 

“They can stay here,” Matt says. “I’ll get the apartment next door set up for them. It won't be perfect, but it will be decent enough.”

“Matt-”

“Aaron.” Matt cuts him off with a pointed look. Aaron just turns away from all of them. He goes back to his chair, sits down, and starts to shovel the Thai curry into his mouth. At least Natalie remembered that he liked it extra spicy. 

“Whatever you do, don't touch any of them,” Allison says, flicking her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder. “Andrew will probably stab you if you do.”

“They probably won't be here much,” Natalie says. “They want to see the city.”

“When will they be here?” Matt asks. He props himself along the back of Aaron’s chair. Aaron ignores him. He isn't happy with Matt agreeing to this situation. They agreed to share everything when they decided to split the apartment, but this felt like a betrayal. 

“When do you want them?” Allison asks.

“Never,” Aaron grumbles. He can't get the image of Andrew out of his head again and it's freaking him out. Matt reaches down and squeezes his shoulder. 

“I can give Natalie a call once I have the apartment next door cleaned up,” Matt offers. Natalie nods at this. “Should only take a couple of days for me to get everything ready.”

“I'll let Kevin know,” Allison says. “So. That Nirvana shit Natalie mentioned. What's it like?”

Aaron looks up at her. “You forget who you are.”

Matt laughs. “And then all you want to do is fuck.”

Allison smiles, a cold, shark-like thing that transforms her into someone much more like Natalie and far less like a beauty queen. “I want to try it.” She looks at Natalie as she says it, and Natalie smiles back and nods. “How's the come down?”

“Didn't bother me too much,” Matt says with a shrug, “but Aaron was really out of it. Like, completely blitzed out. And the hangover is a bitch. I mean, you see what we look like.” He grins again. 

Allison laughs a sharp cackle. “You look like you got eaten alive. Someone has a thing for biting.” She throws a sharp smile at Aaron. “Something we have in common, I suppose. Natalie, when can we get some alone time?”

“I can arrange for it by tomorrow night,” Natalie says softly. “I will give Katelyn the reins for a while. She's been doing quite well lately. She manages this and I'll make her a Captain.”

Aaron looks up at Natalie. “If these people stay here, I want one of your girls here, too.” Natalie tilts her head to the side as she waits for him to elaborate. “You said you'd protect me. I don't trust them not to bring some major shit down on my head.”

Natalie presses her lips into a thin line. She looks at Matt. “You said you had the whole floor?”

He nods. “There are only three apartments up here, and we didn't want neighbors. So we made a deal with the owner to get all three for way less than we should. We keep the shit out.” He makes a face, but doesn't elaborate as to what that means. 

“We’ll stay here,” Allison says with a flick of her nails. “Natalie and I. That way we can get our alone time while she keeps an eye out on you and the monsters.” 

Natalie looks unhappy for a moment, but she eventually nods. “It will work out for the best that way.” She pulls out her phone and starts texting furiously. “My girls will be here soon to help get the place taken care of. I like having cameras up to keep an extra eye out, so they'll handle that and help us all clean.”

Aaron won't be helping, but he doesn't say that. He has to take care of his own business. Allison starts texting too. Matt steals a piece of chicken from Aaron's plate and then whines about how spicy it is as he goes to the kitchen for something to drink. He comes back with a bottle of water for Aaron as well.

“What are you getting?” Matt says.

Aaron looks up at him. “You don't need to know. Don't worry, you'll get your stash.” He sneers a little and eyes the fading track marks on Matt’s arms. “It's been forever. Why do you want it now?”

Matt shrugs. “I guess the come down? I'm jonesing. Let me get a hit before you leave.” He scratches at his arm. 

Aaron sighs. “Do the oxys with me instead. They'll tide you over.” He's been pushing Matt more and more to give up the heroin. It's been working, too. Matt hasn't asked for it in a while.

“Yeah, all right,” Matt sighs. He rakes one hand through his hair and scratches at his undercut. “I know you're trying to get me off it, ya know.”

“That a bad thing?” Aaron asks. “Fuck, Matt, you were so strung out when I met you, you could barely function.” Matt sighs and nods. They both remember that time. “You haven't shot up in weeks. Just go for the oxys and leave that shit alone, okay? You're useless to me if you're so strung out you can't stand up.”

“I know,” Matt whispers. He had been exactly that high when Aaron was jumped by the Ravens six months ago and got the scars on his face and chest - Natalie doesn't know about the ones under his clothes. Aaron still doesn't know what Natalie was dealing with, and he hasn't asked. He’s pretty certain he doesn't want to know. Aaron shoves his mostly-empty plate at Matt. “I'm not your maid.” Matt says it with a smile. 

“You just turned my home into a goddamn hotel,” Aaron snaps. “I think I'm owed.” Matt opens his mouth to say something, but he remembers that Natalie and Allison are still on the couch, even if they are both still absorbed in their phones. He just shakes his head and walks away with the plate.

“The girls will be here in an hour,” Natalie says finally. 

“The monsters will be here on Friday night.” Allison looks over at Aaron. “Gives you three days to work your shit out over them being here.” 

“He won't,” Matt calls from the kitchen. “He's an asshole.” Aaron shrugs because he knows it's true. “I'll be the one helping them out for the most part, but Aaron won't go back on his word to Natalie.”

“I never promised,” Aaron reminds Matt - and Natalie - helpfully. “And I won't. I'll warn them, but I won't promise anything. Ravens change their shit up almost every week. I can't be expected to keep up with every change the moment they make it without knowing someone on the inside. Since I  _ don't _ have that kind of connect, I run blind. I won't promise anything because promises are worthless.” He stands up again. He looks at Natalie. “You can't possibly make up what they did to me.” His hand presses to the center of his chest, right over the sloppy “R” carved there. “Don't let anyone get in my way while they're here. I have shit to do.”

He goes to his room and shuts and locks the door behind himself. He doesn't want to do anything at all, but it's already after six and he has deliveries for later tonight. If he's going to do his pick up, he needs to get busy now. So he forces himself to dress in baggy cargo pants with lots of pockets. He adds his heavy boots and his hoodie despite it being spring. He is perpetually cold and it hides the butterfly knives at his belt. 

“Matt!” he shouts. A few moments later, there is a knock on his door. Aaron unlocks it and he lets Matt in before closing it again. Natalie and Allison are still in the living room. “Oxys, then I'm gonna be out for a while. You are coming with me for the cash drop, but that can wait until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay.” Matt nods and he's already eyeing the bottle in Aaron’s hand. Aaron hands it over, curious as to what Matt will do with it. There are exactly sixteen in there at the moment. He has more elsewhere. Matt takes himself and the pills to the bathroom. Aaron watches silently as Matt dumps out four of them and grinds them up expertly, sorting them into equal little lines across the small mirror Aaron keeps just for this purpose. Matt licks the edge of Aaron’s expired ID, but passes the mirror to Aaron first. 

Aaron accepts it and the straw that's been cut in half - he fucking hates using money, that shit stinks and leaves an awful taste in his mouth - and he snorts two of the four lines. He passes the mirror back to Matt and closes his eyes. It takes very little time for the oxys to hit his system, to make him relax and make the still-lingering aches vanish. By the time he forces himself to open his eyes again, Matt’s lines are gone and Matt is in the bathroom again, putting everything away. When he comes back out of the bathroom, he’s got the bottle held out to Aaron.

“Just keep them,” Aaron says. “Make them last.” Matt nods and shoves the bottle into his pocket. “I have to go. Keep the girls out of the apartment while they’re here.” 

“‘Course,” Matt says with an easy nod. “Are you doing anything tonight?” He nods at the safe. 

“Yeah.” Aaron grabs a mostly-empty bookbag and slings it over his shoulder. He goes to his dresser and digs out an old fake ID that isn’t expired yet but says he’s from Pennsylvania. “It’ll take me a while to pick the shit up, though. I have to go down to Manhattan.”

“What the fuck for?” Matt asks, shocked. He follows Aaron to the door and exits first. “Jesus, that’s gonna take you half the damn night.” 

“Don’t fucking worry about it,” Aaron snaps. He shoves Matt out of the doorway and locks up his bedroom using the deadbolt he’d installed. He faces down Natalie. “I’ll be back in a few hours. After that, I have shit to do, so I’ll need Matt back.” She nods once. “Don’t fuck anything up.” 

As he heads out of the door, he hears Allison mutter, “He really is an asshole, isn’t he?” He flips her off as he kicks the door shut behind him. He heads down all eight flights of stairs because there isn’t an elevator and he walks to the bus stop several blocks away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated


	4. in which i introduce a little bit of backstory but not really that much

When Aaron arrives back at his apartment complex, it is full of Natalie’s girls. He nods to them as he passes them in the hall. Two are doing something with a tiny camera in the far corner. It is set up to capture anyone that comes in or out of the rooms or the stairwell. He watches as a couple of them head into one of the other apartments with a box, then heads into his own apartment. 

“Aaron!” Katelyn greets him brightly. She bounces up from her perch in his favorite chair and pecks him on the cheek in a quick kiss - right over the scar. “Thank you for agreeing to do this.”

“Matt agreed,” he says honestly. “How are you?”

“Well enough,” she says. “Matt has been waiting for you, though. He says you two have a lot to do tonight.” Aaron nods to that. “He's getting dressed, so he should be ready soon.”

“Where’s Natalie?” he asks. 

“Next door. She's getting everything set up so she can still keep an eye on us and on this place as well.” 

Aaron nods and heads to his room. He empties the bookbag into the safe in his room and locks everything up for now. He'll dig out just what he needs right before he and Matt leave for the night. Once that is taken care of, he heads to the apartment next to his. Natalie is sitting on an old-looking couch in the mostly-bare living room with a laptop on her knees. Allison is nowhere to be seen. 

“Have you at least come to terms with this?” Natalie asks, looking up at him with an unnervingly calm expression. 

He shrugs and crosses his arms as he leans against the wall. “Not exactly. That Andrew guy has my face. It freaks me out.”

Natalie nods. “I asked Allison about that. She said he was raised in foster care, but she doesn't know anything else.” She sets the laptop to the side and folds her hands together in her lap. “I don't have any answers for you as of yet, but I did ask an old friend of mine to look into it.”

“You mean that cop?” Aaron asks, one edge of his lip lifting in a snarl. “Wymack or whatever?” She nods. “Call it off. I don't want to know.”

“Andrew Doe might like to know,” Natalie says. “You might, too, at some point. Besides, Wymack owed me a favor.”

“You and favors,” Aaron mocks. “I'd rather have cash.”

Natalie smiles and shakes her head. “My favors are usually worth far more. Anyhow. Don't worry about the Nirvana. I'll provide you with a few more and we’ll call it even for you keeping Allison’s friends here. Sound fair?”

Aaron nods. “Two for every day that they’re here,” he says. She nods. “I'll need some to sell, as well.” 

“That might pose a problem,” Natalie says with a frown. “I'll have to set you up with the one who makes it. He is quite picky about who he sells to and how much. It's also very expensive and I don't think he'll do anything up front.”

“Just introduce me,” Aaron says. “I'll handle the rest.” He's been doing this for years now; he knows how to handle makers. “Need anything before I leave?”

“Just ask the girls,” she says. He nods and heads out into the hall. He sells quite a bit before he even leaves his apartment. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth, selling at home, but he does trust Natalie’s girls to a point. 

Once Matt’s ready to go, they head to their usual haunt and start taking care of their usual junkies. The new ones get the runaround for a bit, but they get what they want in the end. Aaron drinks and dusts and snorts a few more oxys with Matt while they're at the club. He heads home with nearly empty pockets and a decent profit and Matt at his side. 

Aaron heads to his own bed when they reach the apartment. He showers and changes into gym shorts and a tee shirt before curling up in his bed. Exhaustion drags him down into sleep, but it isn’t peaceful. 

His nightmares are disjointed and - not his. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he  _ does _ . They’re full of nameless pain that he can’t pinpoint until it after it’s already shifted to another location. Someone is holding him down. He’s screaming, begging, crying, fighting - it doesn’t do any good. They’re bigger, stronger. It’s so similar to the Ravens, and the nightmare that isn’t his shifts into one that  _ is  _ his own. He remembers boots breaking his fingers as they crush his hands into asphalt - the knife slicing into his chest, his face - the laughter - the grins - the punching and kicking - his own screaming -

“Aaron!” 

He bolts upright, a knife in one hand and the other fist flying. It doesn’t land. Light blinds him and he jerks his arm up to cover his eyes. He scrambles back until he’s pressed up against the headboard. His tee shirt is choking him, but he doesn’t dare try to move it out of the way just yet. He can’t  _ see _ . He drags in a burning, ragged breath. 

“It’s me.” And Aaron sags a little. That’s Matt’s voice. “You gonna stab me if I get close?” Aaron shakes his head and drops his arm. He blinks his eyes open slowly and looks up as Matt sits on the edge of his bed. “I heard you screaming.”

“Fucking nightmares,” Aaron mutters. He shoves the serrated blade back under his pillow, then jerks at the neck of his tee shirt until it’s no longer choking him. “I hate this shit.” 

Matt nods and stands. He heads into Aaron’s bathroom, pulling the bottle Aaron had given him earlier out of his pocket. He crushes up more oxys for them and offers them to Aaron first again. Aaron takes them gratefully. He brings one leg up to his chest and rests his chin on his knee as he closes his eyes. There are lingering aches all over, both from the nightmares that weren’t his and from his old injuries. His hands hurt. The scars on his chest and his face tingle with remembered pain. The oxys won’t help - he knows that - and yet he wants more of them, just to see.

“What can I do?” Matt asks. 

“Nothing.” Aaron blinks open his eyes and looks up at Matt. “I just want to forget.”

“We still have some of that Nirvana left,” Matt suggests with a shrug. 

Aaron just shakes his head. “Not right now.” He digs through his blanket and sheets for his phone. It’s already seven am. “We have a cash drop today. Can’t get fucked up like that.”

“Right.” Matt flops to his back over the end of Aaron’s bed and stares up at the ceiling. “Natalie said her girls will be done with everything today, so we’ll have tonight. And it’s gonna be slow anyway. Let’s just stay here.”

Aaron scrolls through the messages on his burner phone. “I’ve got a dozen messages already,” he mutters. “They all know when I do my big pick up by this point.” 

“Then let’s party,” Matt says instead. “I know you won’t get fucked up while those guys are here, so we might as well make the most of what time we have before they show.” His arm stretches across the length of the bed and he grips Aaron’s ankle loosely. “We’ll do the cash drop and then hit the club and just - party.”

“All right,” Aaron says with a nod. “No Nirvana - not out there. Don’t have enough to sell.” Matt nods. “We’ll take Natalie and Allison. I want to see what she’s like. Don’t trust her.” His eyes drift closed as he speaks. He’s still tired, but he really doesn’t want to go back to sleep either.

“Whatever you want,” Matt mutters, and Aaron figures he’s probably halfway to sleep as well. He doesn’t kick Matt out, even if he thinks he probably should - considering the knife under his pillow and his typically violent reactions to waking up from nightmares. There’s no time for that, though, because he’s already curling up on his side and drifting back to sleep. 

His dreams this time are different. There’s no pain, but there’s - a rush. He feels almost like he’s falling, but not quite. Like he’s somewhere very high up, perhaps. There’s a sweet burn of nicotine to go with it - a flash of red and the brightest, coldest blue he’s ever seen. Nothing is really solid, but he gets the impression it’s not really bad. There are impressions of raised scars that aren’t his own, but they slide under his hands and they’re - right, comforting, grounding even. Another flash of red - and he thinks it might be hair. 

He wakes up with a boner, which sort of weirds him out since he can remember that dream - and he doesn’t think it was his. Matt’s migrated to the actual side of Aaron’s bed instead of the end of it, but Aaron ignores him as he goes to his bathroom and closes and locks the door. Showering isn’t as effective for ridding himself of the lingering sensation of touch that’s alien and uncomfortable, but he forces it away as well as he can. 

Matt is gone when he goes back to his room, and he can hear Matt’s shower running from across the apartment. He can distantly remember the nightmares that came before the weird dream. It makes his skin crawl and his scars itch, so he heads out to the kitchen and tries to do anything he can to get his mind off of it. 

It doesn’t work. He keeps thinking about behind held down, about those fucking Ravens cornering him. He thinks about the first time, too, when they beat the hell out of him two years ago and he had to spend days in the ICU recovering from four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a ruptured spleen. Someone had found him bleeding on the sidewalk and called 911 for him. He doesn’t remember anything between the beating and waking up in the hospital and being told two days had passed. 

The second time had been worse, because they hadn’t just beaten him - they’d held him down and used their fucking knives to carve into his skin. They’d  _ branded  _ him, marked him as one of theirs. Natalie should have been there - he’d been right on the fringes of her territory and one of her girls should have spotted him. She never came. He’d tried calling Matt a dozen times before he’d left the club, and Matt hadn’t come either. He’d been alone and an easy target for six Ravens. 

They’d made sure to mark his face. Everyone who knew what it meant had shied away from him for weeks - some of them for months. There are still a few people that won’t talk to him even now. He doesn’t really care. It was a lesson learned. 

But there are times like now, when he gets trapped in his mind. He can’t escape the memories, the thoughts. He feels like they’re holding him down again. He can feel the wet asphalt under his back. There’s a boot crushing into each of his hands, but only the ring and pinky of his left hand wind up broken. He can feel the knife on his chest, digging into his skin -

“Hey, Aaron, breathe. Breathe.”

He  _ can't. _ God, he fucking can't. He doesn't even remember how he got on the floor. Matt's arms wrap around him from behind and he can feel Matt's heartbeat in his back. 

“With me. Come on. In and out.” Matt takes deep breaths and Aaron can feel them. He shudders at the first forced inhale. Matt keeps talking until Aaron is breathing somewhat normally. His arms don't let go. 

“Fuck,” Aaron whispers. 

Matt rests his chin on Aaron’s head. “I know. You good?” 

“No.” Aaron shivers. Matt carefully unwinds his arms and stands. Aaron doesn't look around. He drags his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. He feels so heavy. He can hear Matt moving around in the apartment, but he can't really tell what Matt is doing until he smells the weed. Matt settles down on the floor in front of him and offers him the joint he's just rolled and lit. Aaron takes a long, deep drag and passes it back as he coughs.

Matt smiles a little. “I still have some of those suckers left too if you want one for later.” Aaron considers this and nods. If they are going to party tonight, then yes, he will certainly want one. “We should totally make edibles. Brownies, cookies, anything. I bet you'd make some that are damn good.”

“I don't bake,” Aaron grumbles. “Ask Natalie, since she's gonna be next door.” He's still salty about that, but he knows he won't get his own way. “Why did you agree to them staying here anyway?”

Matt passes the joint back and exhales a cloud of smoke. “Because Natalie asked. Her favors are worth a lot, ya know? I know you don't care for that stuff, but it's kinda important not to piss her off. And besides, she will owe us a lot for this. Think about it.”

“I don't want anything from her,” Aaron mutters through an exhale. “What could  _ you _ possibly want?” Matt just hums and doesn't give Aaron a real answer. “I've already sort of got something worked out with her anyway. I get two of those Nirvana for each day those guys are here.”

Matt’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “Jesus. That's a lot.” He takes the joint from Aaron. “You sure you wanna do that much of it? I mean, after the other night…”

“What about it?” Aaron asks dully. He takes another hit and passes what little is left to Matt. He puts it out in an ashtray on the counter just by his head. “Not like we haven't fucked around before when we were high off our asses.”

“Well, yeah.” Matt shrugs. “I just…” He sighs and combs his fingers through his hair. “I dunno, man.”

Annoyed, Aaron stands. “Whatever. I'm hungry.” He goes to the cabinets and starts digging for something to eat. Muchies are, sometimes, the only way he  _ can _ eat, and Matt knows this. So they keep easy snacks on hand most of the time. He finds a bag of Takis and heads over to the couch. Matt follows with a bag of cookies and they watch  _ Futurama _ as they eat, then switch to playing Call of Duty after smoking again. 

It's lazy until Natalie shows up and Aaron realizes just how late it is. He curses himself and tosses the controller to the side. “Matt. The drop. We gotta go.” He finds his phone buried between the couch cushions and groans. He has dozens of missed calls and texts. He finds his supplier and shoots a simple “on my way” and dashes off to his bedroom to change. 

Matt knocks at his door just as Aaron is shoving stacks of cash into his bookbag. He opens the door to let Matt in and closes it and locks it again, catching a quick glimpse of Allison on his couch. He tosses a stack at Matt and tells him to count it. They get the right total together after a few minutes and head out together with Aaron carrying the bookbag on one shoulder.

“What are your plans after that?” Natalie asks, nodding at the bag. 

“Party,” Matt says with a grin. “We want you and your girls to come too. We won't be able to do much of anything with the others here, so why not get it out of our systems before they show?”

“Hell yes,” Allison says with that sharp smile again. “I'll buy. Whatever we need, I'll handle it.”

Aaron scoffs. “You want to pay, princess, you take care of the bar tab.” He snags Matt’s shirt sleeve and drags him to the door. “Lock the fucking door if you leave and don't let anyone else in here. We’ll be back.”

“You won't let her cover the drugs?” Matt asks once they're on the sidewalk. Aaron shakes his head. “Is this, like, one of your territory things?”

“I'm a fucking dealer,” Aaron mutters. “The least I can do is host my own goddamn parties. She wants to pay for something, let her pay for the booze. It will save me a fuckton of money. The only ones getting anything really for free are the bitchy princess, Natalie, and us. Her girls pay for their shit.”

Matt shoves his hands into his pockets. “Okay, whatever. I just don't get it is all.”

Aaron rolls his eyes but he doesn't say anything back to that. They head to his supplier and drop off the cash to cover everything he'd picked up yesterday - and extra so Aaron can grab more now. Matt just chats with the guy's girlfriend for a while as Aaron takes care of everything he's doing. They leave and head back to the apartment. 

Natalie’s girls are back and they are still moving things around and still doing - whatever it is that they do. Aaron isn't entirely sure and he doesn't care to ask. He talks to Katelyn for a moment and invites her specifically to come with them to their little impromptu party. Natalie gathers up a few of her girls and tells them about it. She asks a few to stay behind to watch out for things and the rest all head back to their own places to get ready. Aaron and Matt eat actual food and get themselves ready to go as well. 


	5. in which there's lots of drugs, more sex, and i fuck everyone over with the pairing - and natalie is not so nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for oral sex (still unsafe and still mildly non-con considering how fucking high everyone is), waaaaay too many drugs (as always), and some mild violence
> 
> please keep in mind that Natalie is NOT Renee - they are a bit different and they are going to act a bit different

By the time they get to the club, it's already ten at night. But the place is open until three, which still gives them plenty of time. Allison gets the manager to let them have the party room upstairs and they start the night off right - with several shots and cracker dust all around. They head down to the dance floor after and Aaron loses himself for a while in the pulsing music and the way Katelyn dances in front of him. 

They head upstairs for more drinks and Aaron breaks out the stash he's brought with him. The bartender doesn't so much as blink as half the girls with them start doing lines of coke. Aaron offers him his choice as well, but he declines. He and Matt do oxys and percs and an adderall each and it leaves Aaron  _ flying _ . 

They keep drinking and dusting. Aaron keeps handing out pills or whatever else like candies. He dances with Katelyn again, his focus jerking wildly between the exact way her hips sway and the way her arms are laced over his shoulders to the blur of the club lights and the deep pulse of the base in his bones. 

The intensity of the mixture of drugs is almost too much, so when they break for a moment, he digs one of the THC-laced suckers out of his pocket and unwraps it. Katelyn is quick to steal it right out of his mouth. She grins around the stick, her bright pink lipstick leaving marks on it.

“That’s mine.” He just watches as she tugs it from between her lips and  _ fuck _ that’s got to be one of the hottest things he’s ever seen. She’s closer than he realized, he guesses, because she doesn’t have to reach far to offer it back to him, pressing the candy to his lips. He takes it back, but she’s quick to kiss the corner of his mouth as soon as it’s between his teeth. 

She steals the sucker away again, but his hands are at her hips and she’s holding the sucker in one hand while her other hand wraps around to his back and pulls him closer - even fucked up she knows he hates for anyone to touch his hair. He’s not even really sure how they suddenly wound up making out with her pressing him hard against a back wall, but he’s certainly not complaining. 

He’s kissing down her neck and wondering at the taste of strawberries on her skin and reveling in her soft little moans and the way she’s gasping his name and trying to press even closer to him. She’s quiet, but her mouth is right next to his ear. He bites down - just a little, he’s tender with her - and her breath catches in her throat. Then she’s pulling away from him, and he frowns, mouth open with apologies ready to spill forth -

She pops the sucker back in his mouth and smiles at him. “Let’s go.” She takes his hand and tugs him back upstairs. He just follows, watching the way her hips move. Her black skirt is short and fluffy and artfully tattered. Her boots are studded and buckled and laced, but they don’t have heels - and he’s somewhat grateful for that. She’s taller than him by a couple of inches as it is. His hand smooths over the wide expanse of her back that’s revealed thanks to her tiny top - he’s pretty sure he heard her call it a halter or something. It’s black like the rest of her outfit, but it shows off her dark skin and the tattoos inking her shoulders and back. 

Every part of the club is dim, including the bathrooms, but they do lend a little extra light in the form of bright blue rope lights around the ceiling and floor. That’s his only indication as to where she’s brought him. And then she’s pushing him into a stall and locking the door and stealing his sucker again. 

He doesn’t waste any time, but his touch is feather-light as he caresses her sides and breasts, her hips and thighs. She tosses her head back when he goes for her neck again, moaning softly around the sucker. It’s easier to hear in here, where the music isn’t quite as loud and her voice echoes in the stall. Someone outside of the stall wolf whistles, but he couldn’t care less. Everything has narrowed down to Katelyn and hearing her moan. 

His lips trail down to her chest, then her breast, and it’s so easy to tug her thin, silky shirt out of the way. With one hand cupping her breast, he twirls his tongue around her nipple and smirks just a bit as she squeezes his shoulder and wraps one leg around his hips. He grabs that leg and holds it up, his hand sliding over the back of her thigh as he sucks at her nipple and teases so, so lightly with his teeth. Even in the shitty blue light, he can see the flush on her cheeks and the dark haze in her eyes. She’s just as fucked up as he is at this point. He can’t fuck her like this - Natalie would probably eviscerate him - but that doesn’t mean he can’t make her feel good, and that’s really all he wants.

He abandons her breast and mouths down her stomach, licking at her navel and around the little ring she’s got there. He kneels and lifts her leg over his shoulder. She gasps just a little, then giggles. He smirks up at her as he shoves her skirt up out of the way. He kisses along her thigh as his fingers hook in her little lacy thong and shift it out of the way. Another glance up at her and he can see that she’s reached up with one hand to grasp the top of the door. Her other hand his already fishing for the hand Aaron’s left on her waist where he’s holding her skirt. 

As she laces her fingers with his, he presses his face between her legs and licks. She whines out an impatient little sound and Aaron has to shift her thigh on his shoulder and adjust the hand he’s got holding her thong so he can reach her properly, but once he does, he finds her clit and sucks  _ hard _ . Her boot heel digs into his back and her thigh tightens by his cheek and all he can do is smirk as she trembles and groans. He’s still trying to figure out how she tastes like strawberries when she starts talking. 

“Aaron,” she moans, “baby, please! Come on!” She squeezes his fingers and he obliges her. His tongue laps at her clit, then down and inside of her, curling upwards. “That’s it! Fuck, Aaron! Keep going, baby -” Her voice hitches when he sucks at her clit again and keeps digging at it with his tongue. He shifts his hand again and, slowly, works two fingers inside of her, curling them up until she starts shaking again. 

Her voice is a mixture of praise and moans and his name and “baby” - he doesn’t know when or why she’s started calling him that, but he doesn’t mind - and all trembling shouts of pleasure. He continues to mouth at her clit and finger her, responding to her “harder”s and “faster”s as she requests. She drags his free hand up to her breast and he rolls her nipple between his fingers. A little more is all it takes to send her just over that edge he’s built up to. She comes with a shout, trembling around him and he keeps a careful hold on her, supporting her weight and keeping her upright until she’s come down a bit. 

He's hard, but it's not an immediate concern. He won't ask anything of Katelyn. This was for her and came with no strings attached and no expectations of reciprocation. He can take care of himself later. 

He backs off when she’s able to stand and lets himself out of the stall to go wash his hands - and his face too. She finds him just as he’s done and leaves him with a kiss and the remainder of his sucker. He ignores the blatant looks he gets as he walks out of what is obviously the women’s bathroom. 

Matt finds him once he reaches the bar. He dumps another packet of cracker dust into his shot and knocks it back, then orders another drink to sip at for a moment. He doesn’t see any of Natalie’s girls or Natalie herself. He’s only just remembered he wanted to get to know Allison a bit better - but fuck it. It can wait. 

“Katelyn looked fucking happy,” Matt says with a laugh as he sits next to Aaron and orders his own drink. Aaron shrugs and holds out one fist. Matt taps his knuckles to Aaron’s lightly with another laugh. 

“Where did Natalie run off to?” He digs into a pocket and offers Matt a packet of dust that Matt upends into his shot before knocking it back.

“Downstairs, probably,” Matt says. “She was dancing with Allison, last I saw her.”

Aaron nods and hops down from the barstool. He checks the time and is surprised to see how late it is. “Come on. We’ll head out after we find her. Those ass holes will be here tomorrow and I want to be awake for it.” Matt grabs the drink he's just ordered and starts downing it as he follows Aaron across the top floor. 

Aaron can spot Natalie’s bright hair from across the club. He doesn't worry about losing Matt in the crowd. He's tall enough to find Aaron later if he can't keep up. So he weaves his way between dancing bodies and gets one last surprise kiss from Katelyn as he passes her. 

Natalie has stopped dancing and is resting with her back to a wall. Allison isn't too far away, but she's sitting at a table with her feet propped up in the chair across from her. Aaron nods to her first, then faces Natalie. She nods to the side and he follows her to a small exit door that leads out back. He fishes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket as soon as they get outside and lights one up. He offers one to Natalie, but she doesn't accept. 

Instead, she crowds him up against the brick wall. Aaron was half expecting it, so he doesn't blink when he feels the tip of a blade digging into the space between his ribs. He exhales his breath of smoke away from her face. 

“I didn't fuck her,” he says dryly. “I know better, Natalie.”

She gives him a sharp smile before removing the blade and tucking it back into wherever she had it hidden. “What did you do, then? She looked far too pleased with herself when she came back.”

Aaron smirks and takes another drag from his cigarette. “Still trying to figure out how the fuck she tastes like strawberries.”

She slaps him, but it isn't as bad as it could be - she doesn't even split his lip. “I doubt it was your idea, but you went along with it. I won't repeat myself.” She grabs his chin and slams his head back into the bricks. “Do not touch her again.” She lets him go and steps back. “You're a distraction.”

“Your point has been made,” Aaron snaps. “Fuck. It's not like I asked her to return the favor. I'm an asshole - not a douchebag.”

“Katelyn is one of  _ my _ girls,” Natalie snaps back. “My girls don't fuck around. They know that and you know that.” She goes for the door. “She's next, so don't think you're the only one.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “What will it take, huh? What if I want to be with her?”

Natalie’s expression softens, surprisingly. It’s enough to make Aaron want to take a step back, but he keeps himself still. She just shakes her head. “Talk to her first. After that, if you’re still interested, we’ll discuss it.” 

Now that,  _ that  _ sounds ominous as hell. Still, Aaron nods. “You gonna let me talk to her alone, or do I have to do that with an audience too?”

She tips her head to the side, considering. Her short hair brushes along her cheekbones. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” She leaves him without another word, the door slamming shut behind her. Aaron just sighs and finishes his cigarette. 

He and Matt leave the club together and walk back to the apartment. It’s mostly quiet, since Aaron doesn’t feel up to much conversation after his little spat with Natalie. He’s already got a headache forming from where she’d slammed his head into the bricks. Matt doesn’t ask him about it until they’re on their floor and Aaron is digging through his pockets for his keys. 

“What did Natalie say, man?”

“Told me not to touch Katelyn again,” Aaron mutters, finally discovering his keys. He unlocks the deadbolt first, then the knob. 

“What the fuck?” Matt shuts the door behind himself after following Aaron in and slides the bolt into place. “I mean, isn’t she the one who basically hooked you guys up the first time?”

Aaron shrugs and goes for his chair. His high is all but gone and he doesn’t feel any of the buzz from the alcohol anymore either. Matt must notice because he goes for their liquor cabinet and grabs the vodka and a couple of glasses. Aaron ignores him and starts emptying his pockets of the remainder of his stash and all of the cash he’s accumulated throughout the night. His keys and cigarettes, two lighters, both of his phones, and his wallet all wind up in the pile as well. 

“Oh yeah.” Matt sets a glass down in front of Aaron and digs a small bottle out of his pocket. “Natalie said to give this to you right before we left.” Aaron takes it from Matt’s outstretched hand. There are two more of the Nirvana pills in the bottle. “She said she’ll give you the rest later.”

“Whatever.” He picks up one of the folded stacks of cash and hands it over to Matt. “Count that.” They count money and drink after Matt clicks the stereo on to play something that’s softer than what he usually picks. They finish up quickly and Aaron stacks everything together neatly before hauling it all to his bedroom and stashing it in his safe. 

“Are you gonna try to do anything with Katelyn now that Natalie’s said no?” Matt asks as Aaron heads back out into the living room for his glass. 

He shrugs. “She told me to talk to Katelyn first. Who knows after that.” Aaron flops into his chair and starts yanking at the laces on his boots. “I doubt it’s even fucking worth it. I’m a piece of shit drug dealer. Why would she want anything to do with me?”

“I dunno, man, maybe because she’s literally all over you every time she’s within ten feet of you?” Matt drops his own boot on the floor with a loud thud. “You’re the one always acting like you don’t want anything to do with  _ her _ .”

Aaron levels him with an annoyed look. “Because of Natalie. I shouldn’t have done anything tonight, but shit, it was worth it. Natalie’s girls are off-limits. You know that as well as I do. Besides, Katelyn’s too good for me.”

Matt’s quiet for a long moment, but he doesn’t look away from Aaron. “What was worth it?” Aaron doesn’t answer. Instead, he turns his attention to his other boot and begins to unlace it. “Aaron. What did Natalie do?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Aaron mutters. He yanks his other boot off and stands with both in one hand and his glass in the other. 

“Aaron -” 

He slams his bedroom door on Matt’s call and tosses his boots in the general direction of his closet before stripping on his way to the bathroom. He stinks like the club and he refuses to go to bed like that. It doesn’t take him long to shower and dig out sweats and a shirt to sleep in. Still, he doesn’t expect Matt to be waiting for him on the couch when he leaves his room to grab some water.

“I know Natalie is your friend, and I know she’s strong, and I know you have a lot of respect for her. I don’t give a shit about any of that. She fucking hit you and that’s not all right.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and grabs a bottle of water from the pantry. “Do I look hurt to you?”

“That’s not the fucking point!” Matt shouts. He grimaces at himself and combs one hand through his spikes, ruining them. “When I moved in, when we started this shit where I help you deal, I said I’d look out for you - I’d fucking watch your back. I’ve already fucked up once, with the shit with the Ravens. I won’t let Natalie fucking hit you. I don’t care if she tries to gut me for it.”

“Good luck with that,” is all Aaron says. He grabs another couple of water bottles and heads back to his room. “Go the fuck to bed. Allison said her friends fly in at three.” He shuts his bedroom door and downs both the extra bottles of water before curling up in his bed and checking for the knife under his pillow. It’s still there, so he lets himself drift to sleep.


	6. in which there are nightmares, chorizo burgers, and allison & aaron are bros

He has nightmares:

He is very small. He is lost. Wandering around the  _ place _ \- it has no dimensions or name to him in this dream - he calls for his mother, but she never finds him. 

It changes. He’s a little older. And fuck, he knows this one. It’s like settling into an old chair - familiar, if not very comfortable. She’s beating him, yanking his hair out by the roots and smacking him around and screaming at him, throwing him halfway across the room even with her frail, skinny arms. So he locks himself in his room. 

Dream time never functions like real-world time. In the real world, for this memory, he’d gone to school that day with a split lip and blood still crusted in the roots of his hair, but no one had even bothered to ask - they knew and refused to do anything about it. 

In the dream, he is immediately back at home. He goes to his room as soon as he unlocks the door to the apartment. He doesn’t question that she’s not there to berate him again, that she’s not passed out in the living room or in the kitchen drinking. He just locks himself in his dark room and waits until it’s the normal time for her to leave so he can sneak out and find something to eat. 

Only, nothing’s changed. In the memory, he’d taken his time creeping through the apartment. He’d been slow and careful and scared. In the dream, he’s suddenly standing over her where she’s sprawled over her bed - the needle still stuck in her fucking arm. He’s already shaking her and calling her name and trying to get her to wake up, but she won’t and - She’s dead.

It changes just as he starts to cry for the woman who’d done nothing but abuse him for most of his life. He should have hated her, but seeing her dead like that, looking at the only person who’d ever even attempted to care for him or provide for him, he’d sobbed like a little girl. He still hates himself for that.

But the nightmare shifts again. It’s fractured and more abstract, but it’s still a semblance of a memory. He’s in one of the first foster homes, still in bed, trapped. Everything is on fire, but it’s bright and multicolored and sporadic like fireworks and nothing like the real flames had been. His leg is burning, the blue and green sparks transforming into silvery liquid, like mercury, where it reaches his leg and pours over it. 

He can’t scream. He has no mouth. He’s clawing at his face, trying to make any sound at all. No one comes for him. They can’t hear him. They don’t know he’s in here. They forgot him. He  _ burns _ . The stink of his own flesh melting to the cheap sheets and plastic mattress cover chokes and gags him.

The shrill ring of his cell phone wakes him. He scrambles out of the bed as fast as he can - away,  _ away _ . The blankets tangled around his legs trap him so that he trips and falls as he struggles against them. He hits the floor with a thud, his arms barely catching him. He kicks the blankets off and drags himself over the floor towards the bathroom.

He vomits - barely reaching the toilet in time. He heaves again and again, long after his stomach is empty and he’s choking up nothing but bile. It burns the back of his throat and his tongue. His head is pounding and the world just won’t quite settle for him. During a pause in his puking, he manages to strip out of his sweat-soaked shirt. He lays flat on the floor after he’s sure he won’t puke again. 

The phone is ringing again, but he can’t answer it. It’s too far away and he’s too fucked up. He’s not sure if it’s just a hangover or if it has to do with the nightmares. It doesn’t matter anyway - not really. He bunches his sweats up around his left calf so his skin can rest against the cold tile. The scarred flesh is hot to his fingers - which makes no logical sense, but it’s probably all in his head anyway. 

He’s not sure how much times passes before he’s able to get himself up and into the shower. It takes a long time to rid himself of the stink of fear. After, there’s just blowing oxys and rolling a joint and wandering out into the kitchen for orange juice. Matt’s still not up yet, or at least not out of his room, so Aaron settles on the couch with some tv show on deep space and smokes his joint in peace. By the end of it, he’s reasonably sure he can stomach a bit of food. 

Matt stumbles out of his room as Aaron is eating dry Cheerios out of the box. He’s just sitting on the counter - still watching tv but too lazy to go all the way back to the couch when he keep emptying his glass of orange juice. Matt just shoves his phone at Aaron before going straight back to his room and slamming the door behind himself.

“Yeah?” Aaron asks through a mouthful of cereal. 

“So nice of you to answer your phone when I call,” Natalie says with a fake-pleasant tone. 

“Sorry,” he grunts, even if he isn’t. “What do you need?”

“It’s one o’clock. Allison’s friends will be here at three. I wanted to make sure you were prepared.” 

Aaron huffs a laugh. “I’m stoned, and I’ll stay stoned. That’s about as ‘prepared’ as I’m going to get.” He digs into the box for another handful of Cheerios.

“Make sure Matt’s ready as well,” Natalie says with a soft sigh. “They’ll probably want to go out tonight for dinner at the very least. I have a few things to take care of, so I won’t be able to join you.”

Aaron hums. He’s not very interested in this conversation. He wants as little to do as possible with the people who will be his temporary neighbors. Matt can take care of them. He isn’t going to babysit a group of grown men. It’s ridiculous. He laughs a little at the idea of it. 

“Something amusing?” Natalie asks, her voice cold. 

“Nah, not really,” Aaron mutters. “I gotta go get Matt up.” He hangs up before she can say anything else. He eats the last bit of cereal in his hand and downs the last of the juice in his glass before hopping off the counter and heading over to Matt’s door. He knocks, but when he gets no answer, he walks in anyway. 

Matt is sprawled over his bed, on top of his blanket, in just his underwear. He’s already asleep again, even though he’d just given Aaron his phone a few minutes ago. Aaron huffs at him. From here it’s easy to see the curling, abstract tattoo that stretches over the back of Matt’s right shoulder. The red marks and bruises from where Aaron had bitten and scratched him a few nights ago have already faded on his dark skin, but they’re still noticeable enough. 

“Matt,” Aaron says, walking closer. Matt doesn’t so much as twitch. “Matt!” He shoves at Matt’s arm and then has to shake him just to get the moron to open his eyes. “Come on, get up. Those people will be here in a couple hours.”

Matt groans. “That’s at least an hour and a half more I could sleep,” he whines.

“Look, you’re already awake,” Aaron mocks. “Lazy ass.” 

Matt nods and his arms curl around his pillow as he turns his head away from Aaron. He grumbles something that Aaron has to take a moment to translate to “leave me alone”. 

Aaron shoves at his shoulders, shaking him again. “Get up. Christ. I ate all your fucking Cheerios and we need more orange juice.”

Matt whines into his pillow. “No.” It takes a moment, but Aaron waits. Finally, Matt turns his head back to Aaron and narrows his eyes at him. “You ate all my fucking Cheerios? You asshole.”

“Get your lazy ass up and walk with me to the store and we’ll get more,” Aaron says. “I’m still hungry, so make it quick.”

Matt groans, but he does eventually roll himself out of his bed. Aaron leaves when he starts stretching and making obscene sounds. He flops on the couch to watch the space show again. Even though he isn’t paying full attention to it, it’s enough to keep him out of of his own mind - which is all he can reasonably ask for. 

He has another joint waiting for when Matt comes out of his room. By the time they finally do get to leave, Matt’s back to being his usual happy self. They get groceries and head back to the apartment right at three. They have a little while before the others actually arrive, so Aaron preps for dinner and Matt gets in the way while trying to help. It’s a bit of a mess, but it’s the norm for them. 

Aaron doesn’t think anything of it when the knock comes because he’s still stoned and busy trying to make himself pay attention to the onions so they doesn’t burn. That doesn’t mean he can’t hear. Matt answers the door. 

“Hey.” 

“Hello, Matt,” Natalie says sweetly - too sweetly. Aaron resists looking over at her, instead he focuses on the onions that are caramelizing in the pan in front of him. “This is Kevin, Nicky, Neil, and Andrew.”

“Holy shit.” Matt sounds shocked, but Aaron continues to steadily ignore them all. He’s never been more grateful that the placement of the stove puts his back to the door. “Uh. Hey. I’m - I’m Matt Boyd. Nice to meet you guys.”

He hears Allison’s heels clacking over the floor and he knows she’s coming his way. “What are you doing, little asshole?” It’s not much of an insult when she says “little asshole” like it’s some kind of pet name. He rolls his eyes. “It smells good, whatever it is.”

“Chorizo burgers,” he says, and cuts the heat on the onions. He moves over to the patties he’s already seasoned and shaped and lays the first two side-by-side in the other pan. 

“Looks like a lot of work for some munchies,” she says, propping herself against the counter next to him. “Did you make enough for everyone or are we just going to have to go wandering on our own?”

“There’s enough,” he sighs. “I was gonna save ‘em, but whatever.” He eyes the extra patties and figures he can always make more a different time. “Natalie leaving already?”

“She’s busy,” Allison says, shrugging one bare, dark shoulder. “So we’re going to harass you for the day.”

“This is my excited face,” he says flatly, not even looking at her. He raises his voice, but doesn’t look over his shoulder. “Matt, show ‘em the apartment.”

“Aaron, I…”

“Not now,” Aaron snaps angrily. He’s not in the mood to deal with anything but his food right now. He’s hungry and his high is fading. He hears Matt shuffle them all out of the door and he looks at Allison. “Know how to roll a blunt, or is the princess too good for that?” He smirks up at her. 

She rolls her eyes and flicks her hair over her shoulders. “You got a wrap?” He nods and flips his burgers before heading over to the pantry. There’s a ridiculous superhero cookie jar that Matt insisted on buying once, so Aaron decided to put it to good use. Inside is a smaller version of the stash in his room. He grabs it and the wraps from the jar and drops them on the bar side of the counter across the kitchen. “Both?” He nods and goes back to his food. 

When Matt comes back, he’s alone. He heads straight for the kitchen. “Oh, shit, I’m so glad you’re rolling those. We’re gonna need ‘em. Also - Aaron -”

“After I finish cooking,” Aaron interrupts. “And preferably after I’m stoned again. I know that Andrew guy has my face. I’m not ready to deal with that right now. Let me make my food and get good and stoned, then after I can go blow whatever else the hell I want and just be done with the rest of this shitty ass day, okay?”

“If you’re done whining, can I light this?” Allison asks. Aaron waves a hand at her and he can smell the weed a few seconds later. She’s nice enough to actually bring it to him. He takes two long, deep drags from the blunt and relishes in the revival of his high. He holds it out to Matt, but Matt has to stretch across the bar and empty space in the kitchen to reach it as Aaron scoops the patties up and puts them on a plate. 

“You owe me, princess,” Aaron mutters. “I’m housing your friends and feeding them too. Make sure you let them know that if they want my shit, they have to pay for it.”

Allison laughs, loud and almost bitter. “Kevin would shit himself if you so much as suggested it to him. I think the strongest thing he and Nicky’s ever done is cracker dust. Neil’s a baby - he doesn’t even drink. Andrew, well, he doesn’t do much since he got off his meds, but you can take that up with him. If they want anything at all, it’ll only be dust.”

Aaron nods. He’s not exactly judgemental about these things. Hell, he’s got at least three old people he sells pot to regularly because they smoke it for arthritis or whatever. He doesn’t really care what people do or why - he just sells what they ask for. He takes the blunt from Allison when it comes back to him and he takes his hits slowly. 

When he gives it over to Matt he says, “Open the windows. And when are they coming back?”

Matt shrugs and heads over to the big front window where Aaron’s chair is situated. “They’re probably getting their shit situated for now. I can go get them if the burgers are done.”

“Not yet,” Allison says. She pokes Aaron’s shoulder. “Plates? Forks? You got buns for these or what?”

“Bossy ass bitch,” Aaron sneers at her. Still, he flicks open a cabinet and a drawer to show her where the plates and silverware are kept. She starts taking out stacks of everything and piling it on the bar. Most of it doesn’t match, but Aaron’s never really cared and Allison doesn’t even seem to notice. He leaves the last two patties in the pan to cook while he heads back to the pantry for the rolls they’d grabbed at the bakery on their way home. They’re on top of the box of doughnuts Matt insisted on and ate three of on the way back. 

“Who knew the grumpy midget could actually cook?” Allison says, hip-checking him as she snatches up the rolls and digs out a bread knife. She also passes him the blunt again. 

He rolls his eyes and shuts the cabinet and drawer she left open. “Who knew the bitchy princess could actually roll her own blunts?” He takes a drag and exhales slowly after a long pause. “I mean, money like yours could just pay someone to roll all the blunts you wanted, right?”

She slams the knife down on the counter. He calmly faces down her anger. To his surprise, despite the flash in her eyes, her tone is even. “I don’t comment about your shitty life if you don’t comment about mine - deal?”

He tips his head to the side for a moment, just staring at her. He has to wonder just how difficult life can be for someone with so much fucking money. (He knows she has it - it’s written all over her, from the way she presents herself and the way she dresses to the way she tosses money around like it’s nothing.) Then again, he thinks of some of the people he deals to and knows that some of the hardest users are the ones with the most money, so it can’t be all it’s cracked up to be. Finally, he nods. He passes the blunt back to her instead of to Matt and she nods as well as she takes another hit. 

Matt is quick to fill their sudden and slightly awkward silence with music. He works on opening the one window by the pantry that always seems to stick in the frame. He finishes off the blunt just as Aaron takes the last two patties out of the pan. He rewarms the caramelized onions and digs out the bowl of sauce he’d made up earlier. He and Allison finish prepping the burgers together while Matt ducks over to the other apartment to summon Allison’s friends. 

Aaron grabs a pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge and a collection of cups as well and adds that to the setup on the bar. He fixes his own plate and leaves it on the coffee table in front of his chair in the living room before going back for Matt’s plate. Allison has already made herself comfortable in the place right next to Aaron on the couch. He doesn’t question it, just drops Matt’s food in Matt’s usual spot on the other end of the couch. The others will have to figure out where they want to sit between the loveseat opposite Aaron’s chair and the barstools. He doesn’t give a shit, personally. 

He isn’t prepared for when they come walking through the door. The first one is almost as tall as Matt and has some sort of weirdly serious expression on his tattooed face. The second one is wearing a bright pink shirt with a damn pride flag in the corner of it - and Aaron gets it, he does, he’s used to seeing things like that all the time, but  _ Christ.  _ The third one has some brutal-looking scars on the side of his face that Aaron recognizes immediately as burn scars. But it’s the fourth that makes him stop breathing entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is me begging for comments because i need them to inspire me
> 
> at this point i have only one more fully written chapter after this one
> 
> and i'm dying
> 
> please help me out y'all


	7. the chapter everyone's probably been waiting for since the beginning...but it's only gonna be a disappointment  :)

They look almost the same.

The similarities strike him first: the ash-blond hair, the hazel eyes, the broad shoulders, the height, the all-black clothes even. It goes deeper than that. It's something in the other man's expression: a flatness that Aaron has seen in the mirror too many times, when he couldn't find it in himself to care about anything at all, when he was too high to function, when he hated the sight of every living thing. It's the way he holds himself: not quite defensive, but Aaron can just tell that no one would try picking a fight with this guy - no one with half a brain, anyway. 

He is staring back at Aaron, too. It gives Aaron more time to see the differences. 

His face isn't scarred like Aaron’s - and why should it be? His face is whole and untouched. He has more weight on him, which is likely muscle but could also be from eating more in general. His clothes are tighter, too, not loose the way Aaron prefers his own to fit. His eyes only move away from Aaron to track the movement of someone else - Aaron knows it's Matt when a hand settles on his shoulder. 

“This is Aaron,” Matt says. He points out the others. “That's Kevin, Nicky, Neil, and Andrew.” 

“Holy shit,” one of them says. Aaron is pretty sure Matt just said this one is Nicky. “This is freaky.”

Allison, bitch that she is, laughs. “I know, right? They could be twins. Imagine if Aaron didn't have that scar. Put them next to each other and you couldn't tell them apart.”

“Andrew has at least twenty pounds on him,” the big one - Kevin? - says with a scoff. “Can we eat?”

“Uh, yeah guys. Help yourselves.” Matt gestures to the bar. “What are they again?” He looks to Aaron.

“Chorizo burgers,” Aaron mutters. 

“What's in this sauce?” Kevin asks, eyeing the bowl suspiciously. 

“Ranch seasoning, sour cream, saffron, red pepper, paprika, and onion.” Aaron sits in his chair and shoves Matt’s arm away from him. He ignores Allison’s raised eyebrow. “You don't have to eat it if you don't want it. There's a bodega four blocks away. You're more than welcome to cook your own goddamn food.”

“This smells really good,” Nicky says quickly. “Thank you.” 

Aaron ignores him and cuts his burger in four pieces before taking a bite. Nicky and Kevin end up hovering near the bar while the other two sit on the loveseat. They are wearing identical armbands over their forearms, but Aaron can see a hint of scars around the top of the redhead’s bands. His knuckles are scarred as well. He doesn't say a word or stare. 

Matt attempts to make awkward conversation, which is quickly met by Nicky and carried on throughout the meal. For being Allison’s friends, she isn't saying much to any of them. Aaron ignores them all as well as he can - until he's finished eating. Then he takes his plate - and Allison’s - to the kitchen and drops it in the sink for Matt to wash later. 

He sits back in his chair and grabs the ashtray from the coffee table and lights a cigarette. Allison looks at him and holds out her hand, like she expects one. Aaron rolls his eyes, but he passes her the one he's already lit and then sparks a new one for himself. 

“Christ, Minyard, menthols?” she asks with a sneer. 

“They're my goddamn cigarettes. If you don't like them, buy your own.” He looks around and doesn't see the other blunt. “Where is my other blunt?”

“In the kitchen, asshole,” she says. She looks over at Nicky. “You guys wanna smoke up, you gotta pitch in.”

“Oh!” Nicky perks up at that. “I have some cash on me, but that's all.”

“That's fine,” Aaron mutters. He takes a drag on his cigarette. “Whatever you want, I've probably got it.”

“Like, just weed?” Nicky asks. 

Allison cackles. “Aaron's a dealer, Nicky. Literally  _ whatever _ you want.”

“You sound like some kind of cartoon witch when you laugh like that,” Aaron says. He looks at all of the new people in his apartment. “She said you like dust.”

“When we drink, hell yeah,” Nicky says brightly. “And if you're gonna smoke, I want in on that.”

“Are we doing anything tonight?” Kevin asks, but he's looking at Allison. In turn, Allison looks at Aaron. 

“Why the fuck are you looking at me?” 

“Natalie is out for the night. I know she told you. So I'm stuck here with the monsters and you and Matt. Are we going back to the club or what?”

“We could just drink here?” Matt is quick to suggest. “Less headache, and I'm sure Natalie would appreciate it. That way she doesn't have to come looking for us.”

Allison rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I want Nirvana if we're staying.”

“No.” Aaron stands and heads to the kitchen, skirting around Kevin and Nicky. He doesn't know them and he certainly doesn't trust them. He finds the blunt near the toaster and grabs it before heading back to his chair. 

“Why the fuck not?” Allison asks. “Natalie hasn't given me any yet, either.”

“Did you not see how fucked up we were the day after?” Matt asks with a laugh. “Besides, I think Natalie would actually murder us if someone wound up fucking you. You're beautiful and all, but I'd really like to keep my dick, thanks.”

Allison rolls her eyes and blows smoke in his face. Aaron notices that his double and the redhead have both lit cigarettes as well. Before he sits, he grabs an extra ashtray from the entertainment system and slides it towards them over the coffee table. The redhead - Neil? - nods his thanks and bends forward to slide it closer. 

Nicky laughs. “What are you talking about? What’s ‘Nirvana’?” He stands and inches closer to the couch. Aaron is half aware of him asking Matt if he can sit on the couch and Matt welcoming him quickly - of course - while Aaron lights his blunt and takes the first long drag. 

“It’s a new drug,” Allison answers for him, stubbing her pilfered cigarette out in the ashtray. “Apparently it makes you forget everything and really horny at the same time. Natalie was supposed to let me try it the other night, but we never got around to it.” She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. 

“That sounds crazy intense,” Nicky says with a nervous little laugh. 

Matt tosses his head back in a laugh. “You have no idea.” He leaves his plate on the coffee table near Neil’s and Andrew’s. 

“Are we going to talk about this?” Nicky asks, waving a hand between Aaron and Andrew. “I mean…”

“What’s there to talk about?” Aaron asks on an exhale of a cloud of smoke. He passes the blunt to Allison and takes what’s left of his cigarette back up instead. “He has my face. There’s nothing else to talk about.”

“But why?” Kevin asks from back by the bar. “It’s weird.” Aaron just shrugs - he has no answer.

“Natalie’s trying to get all that figured out,” Allison says after a few little coughs. “Well, her detective friend is. I told her not to bother, but.” She shrugs and looks at Aaron. “You know how she is.”

Aaron only nods, but Nicky is fidgeting with his fingers between Allison and Matt. He doesn’t say anything else for a while, so Matt and Kevin talk about exy and workout routines for a while. Aaron feels mildly guilty about not going to the gym in a while, but dismisses the thoughts the moment Matt volunteers to take Kevin with him. Aaron will go too, then. Ever since his last hospital stay, he and Matt don’t go very many places alone. He still does his drug runs alone, but he’s not even sure how long he’ll keep that up. He’s pretty sure he had a couple of Ravens trailing him for a while at one point the other day.

The blunt makes its way back to him and he keeps it going, but he’s not participating in the conversation. He’s only listening. Matt’s managed to egg Neil into talking some - about exy, what else? - and now everyone but himself and Andrew seem buddy-buddy. That’s fine. Matt’s always been good at making friends, so let him keep the peace while these people are here. Still, when Kevin asks for directions to the bodega and Andrew stands to walk with him, Nicky gets up and so does Matt - volunteering to head down there with them and take them to the liquor store. Allison shoves a wad of cash at Matt and tells him to get plenty. 

Aaron’s antsy without Matt there, so he gets up and goes to do the dishes once they’re gone. Allison and Nicky - who decided to stay - help him gather everything up and get it to the sink. Nicky even volunteers to dry the dishes. 

“What uppers do you have?” Allison asks, leaning over the bar. 

Aaron shrugs. “Coke, Adderall, Concerta, Ritalin, fucking meth.” He looks over at her, leaning back to see around Nicky, and narrows his eyes. “Natalie would kill me if I let you have the meth.”

She makes a face. “No, thanks. Coke, if you don’t mind.” She goes to reach for her tiny purse, then frowns. “Matt’s got my money.”

“He’ll bring it back,” Aaron says. “How much?” She just shrugs as she combs her fingers through her hair. He huffs, but dries his hands on a spare towel. Sparing a glance for Nicky, he says, “Just leave that shit there. Matt can finish it.” He heads for his bedroom and shuts the door behind himself before going over to his safe. He fixes up two lines for her on his little mirror, then adds an oxy for himself, and decides that’s enough. 

Before he can go to the door, his phone rings. He digs it out of his pocket and sees that it’s Natalie. He answers quickly. “What’s up?”

“I won’t be back tonight,” she says. She sounds like she’s out of breath and maybe even in pain. 

Aaron knows better than to ask, but he wants to. Instead he says, “Do you need anything?”

She just laughs. “Keep Allison close. I’ll owe you.”

He nods before he remembers that she can see him. “Yeah, no problem.” He swallows hard. “Nat-”

“No.” She hangs up, and Aaron just shoves the phone back in his pocket. Leaving the mirror on the dresser, he snorts his single line. He opens the door and waves Allison inside. Once she’s in, he shuts the door again. 

“Natalie called.”

Allison’s mouth twists into a grimace. “She’s not coming back, is she?”

“Not tonight. She said to stay here.” Aaron gestures to the mirror on the dresser. “I didn’t ask.”

“She wouldn’t tell you anyway,” Allison says, then bends to snort the first line, her hair falling over one shoulder to hide her face. “Bitch won’t even tell me.” The ‘bitch’ is soft, and again, he’s pretty sure she’s using it as more of a pet name than anything. 

Aaron shrugs as he closes up his safe again. “I’ve only known her a’ couple years, and she’s always been...like that.” He takes out his phone and texts Matt to let him know that Allison is staying with them. “You need anything while they’re out?”

“No.” Allison sits on the edge of Aaron’s bed, then flops back and stretches, her top revealing her toned stomach. “I have Katelyn’s number, so if I need any of my stuff, I’ll just have her send one of the girls here with it.” One of her hands winds up under his pillows. Before he can warn her, she tugs her hand back out with the knife in her grasp. Her eyebrow is raised.

“Shitty life thing,” he says. She nods and puts it back without a word. “Come on.” She sits up and he offers his hand, which she takes, and he tugs her to her feet. They head back to the living room. Nicky is sitting on the loveseat now, fidgeting again. Allison flops down beside him. 

“What’s your problem, huh?” she asks, elbowing him in the arm. 

He gives her a shaky smile. “Nothing.”

“Matt’s a better liar than you are,” Aaron mutters, taking his chair again and tugging out his pack of cigarettes. 

Allison snaps her fingers. “Tell Matt to buy me cigarettes!” 

Aaron rolls his eyes, but he does. “What do you want, fucking Spirits?” She grins and nods. He just sneers at her, which makes her cackle again. 

“Nicky,” she says, “tell me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he says, but his smile is wobbly. She gives him a flat look, and so does Aaron. “Seriously!”

“Then what are you lying about?” Allison asks. “You usually don’t get this nervous unless Andrew’s threatening you with a knife.”

Nicky laughs weakly. “Just, uh, something my dad said once. He had a sister, you know? I met her once, I think, when I was really little, but I don’t remember her.”

“Is there a point to this?” Allison asks, and Aaron rolls his eyes. 

“Well…” Nicky looks back down at his hands. “She...she had twins. And we know Andrew was one of those twins, right? But when she left for California, she dropped all contact with my dad and, well, I don’t know what ever happened to the other twin. I don’t even know his name.” He sighs miserably. “It’s not like I can just call Dad up and ask him, either. He always refused to talk about her. He didn’t even have any pictures of her.”

Aaron tucks his cigarette between his lips and takes the single step necessary to get to the window by his chair. It’s easy to reach up with his hands and step out on the ledge. He ignores Allison’s question and just swings himself up on the roof. It’s not hard. He walks closer to the center of the roof and sits down, chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. 


	8. the one where more tragic backstory comes out to play and where Thea's muscles are a Gift to all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like, i'm really sorry for the delay and all - i'm shitty
> 
> also, i don't have any more written after this as of yet and my classes have started back up so i'm kind of dying (and writers block is STILL a bitch)
> 
> that doesn't mean i won't finish this (i have so much shit in my head for different parts of this fic it's unreal - that being said the very /next/ part is what i'm struggling with, jsyk)
> 
> so, i'm sorry in advance. hopefully it won't take me forever to write another chapter.

He listens as Matt and the others get back to the apartment. They’re loud and the window is still open, so their conversation drifts up to where he is still perched on the roof with ground out cigarette butts all around him. He hears Nicky tell Matt what happened - how he told Aaron and Allison about his mysterious aunt and her twins - and moments later Matt’s poking his head up over the ledge of the roof. 

“Here.” He tosses a pack of cigarettes over to Aaron. “We’ll need you to get the dust.” He lingers for a moment more, but after looking for a while at Aaron, he sighs a little and ducks back inside. The music starts up, louder than before, and Aaron knows Matt is doing his best to lighten the mood. 

Aaron smokes his way through three more cigarettes before Katelyn calls. He stares at his phone for a moment, just watching it ring as he debates on whether or not to answer. It’s only the memory of his conversation with Natalie from the night before that makes him finally swipe the green phone icon and lift the phone to his ear. 

“Hey,” he mutters. Even if he likes Katelyn, he’s not in the mood to talk to anyone at all. Probably least of all her, since he doesn’t want her to see him so fucked up.

“Hello,” she says, bright as always. “Is Allison still there? She’s not answering her phone.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “She probably can’t hear it. Music is too loud.”

“Well, do you mind if I stop by for a few minutes? I need to bring her things to her. Natalie asked me to take their bags over there.” There’s a pause, then Katelyn sighs a little. “We should probably also...talk about a few things.”

“Sure.” Aaron grinds his cigarette out by his shoe and stands. “When?”

“I’ll head over now if that’s okay.” 

He makes a noise of assent and hangs up the phone before shoving it deep in his pocket and walking towards the edge. It’s a little trickier to get back inside, but he’s done this so many times that he can almost make every move with his eyes closed by now. He doesn’t miss the flinch from Neil or the apathetic stare from his double, but Matt is grinning and Allison is quick to shove a drink in his hand after he steps down from the sill. 

“Dust?” she asks, flicking her hair over her shoulder. He notices that she’s kicked off her heels, but even without them she still towers over him. 

"Where is your phone?" he asks, taking the glass. He takes a sip and nods after the first sip. It's mostly tequila, but there's just enough orange juice in it to call it a mixed drink. He's pretty sure Matt made it. When he glances over at Matt, he gets a sort-of smile and knows that he did. 

Allison shrugs. "Somewhere. Why?" She takes his wrist and half-ass drags him over to his bedroom door. 

"Katelyn has been trying to call you," he says. "She's bringing your stuff. Natalie's too, I guess." Allison hums and shrugs a little. "You haven't heard anything from Nat?"

"No." Judging from Allison's tone, she's not willing to talk about that anymore, so Aaron doesn't bring it up again. 

He just heads into his room and walks over to the safe in the far corner. He leaves the glass on top and makes quick work of the lock before reaching inside for the big bag of smaller, individual packs of cracker dust. He doesn't feel up to revealing exactly how much he has stashed away, so he fills up his pockets instead. He's tempted to ask if Allison wants anymore coke, but he doesn't think it's a good idea, so he doesn't ask. He's not willing to risk Natalie's wrath a second time. He closes the door on the safe, grabs his drink, and heads over to where Allison is waiting by his dresser. 

"That's sharp," he says when he sees her fiddling with one of his butterfly knives. She shrugs again and lets it clatter back to the wooden surface. "Let's go."

Before they leave, she reaches into one of his pockets and fishes out a bag of the cracker dust. He tenses up just at the door to his room - where everyone can see, he knows, but he doubts anyone is paying them much attention. Allison doesn't seem to notice or care until she has a couple of the little bags in hand. She moves away from him only after that, and he forces himself to breathe and continue on to the kitchen where he tosses a handful of the little packets onto the counter. It's not all of the stash in his pockets, but it should be enough to last for a couple of rounds of drinks at least. 

"You okay?" Matt asks, stepping closer to him. Aaron nods and moves away again, taking his drink into the living room. He finds his chair vacant, thankfully, and settles into it. 

Nicky is sitting on the couch beside Allison, already a couple of drinks in if Aaron is any judge at all. He gives Aaron a shaky smile. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't," Aaron snaps. He glances at his drink, digs out a couple of packets of dust, empties them into the glass, and then proceeds to chug the drink as quickly as he can. He's not in the mood to deal with any of these people. He's in less of a mood to deal with Nicky's story about how Andrew is potentially his long-lost twin and Nicky is some cousin of his or some shit. None of it matters and he really just doesn't care. 

He lets the conversation rotate around him. Allison and Nicky are talking about what they can do while they are in the city, Matt and Kevin and Neil are talking about fucking Exy again, and Andrew is silent but for the occasional quip here and there. Aaron gets up to fix himself another drink after a few minutes and after he's bored of the game on his phone. The pile of dust on the counter is already gone, so he dumps a few more bags out and watches as Kevin and Andrew eyeball him. He's almost used to it by now.

Matt is quick to pass him a fresh glass, thankfully, but when Aaron tries to retreat back to his room for a moment of peace away from the inane conversations and the shitty music playing through the speakers - he knows it isn't Matt's - Andrew steps over in front of him and stops him at the door. Aaron stops and stares at him. He's trying to fight the sneer that's threatening at the corners of his lips.

"Nicky told us what he suspects," Andrew says in a too-flat tone that suggests that he's not interested at all in what Aaron has to say about it. Aaron guesses that if he really didn't care though, he wouldn't be here stopping Aaron from trying to go into his own damn room. 

"And?" Aaron asks, letting the sneer show through. He's annoyed, and he doesn't care who knows about it at this point. 

"What was your mother's name?"

Aaron rolls his eyes. Like they don't already fucking know. Still, he'll play this stupid little game. "Tilda Minyard." 

Nicky makes a soft, whining sound from somewhere behind him. Aaron doesn't look. His focus is on Andrew. There's something about him that he just doesn't trust, something about the way he holds himself. Aaron can't figure out exactly what it is, but he doesn't like him - and there's more to do with it than the weird feeling of looking in a mirror. Still, all Andrew does is nod a little bit at Aaron's answer. He steps to the side and Aaron steps closer to his door.

Before he can get fully inside his room, though, Andrew says, "What happened to your face?"

Aaron knows that Andrew can see the way his entire body stiffens, but he just doesn't care. He looks to the side, then over his shoulder at Kevin where he's standing by the bar with Neil and Matt. "Why don't you ask Kevin? I'm sure he knows what it means." He slams his door behind him as soon as he steps into his room. 

His hands are shaking as he grinds up two oxys and snorts them, but once they hit his system, he's able to relax some and he relishes in the momentary peace as he falls back on his bed. He can't hear anything over the muted music, but he’s sure they’re talking about him now. Maybe Matt has the sense not to let them talk too much, but he really just doesn’t care right now. Still, it’s not long enough before someone is knocking at his door. 

“What?” he shouts. 

“Katelyn’s here,” Matt calls through the door. Aaron only vaguely remembers locking it. “She wants to talk to you.”

Aaron remembers the conversation with Natalie - again - and huffs out a sigh before sitting up from where he’d sprawled out on his bed. He heads over to the door and opens it. Matt gives him a worried look, but Aaron ignores him and shoves past him. Katelyn’s brought two of Natalie’s other girls with her, he sees, and they’ve already made themselves comfortable - which is good. He likes what’s left of his skin enough for Natalie to leave the rest of it alone, and he certainly doesn’t need any of her girls saying anything negative about the way they were treated while they were at his apartment. 

Katelyn hugs him and pecks his cheek quickly when she sees him, but her eyes keep darting over to where Andrew is standing by the open window near Aaron’s chair. Thea is standing by the bar with Kevin. She’s already got a drink in her hand. She offers her fist to Aaron and he taps his knuckles to hers. She’s almost as tall as Kevin, and it’s somewhat amusing. 

“Thea, when’s the next exy practice you and the girls have planned?” he asks. Kevin’s eyes go a little wide. “Take the tall one.” He gestures at Kevin with one hand. “Show him what’s up.” 

Thea tosses her head back and laughs. “Day after tomorrow, actually.” She flashes a shark-like grin at Kevin. “My team is all women. Do you have a problem with that?” Kevin shakes his head - wisely - and Thea’s smile becomes somewhat more friendly. “Then you are more than welcome to come and practice with us. Do you have gear?”

“He insisted on bringing everything,” Neil says from the stool he’s sitting on. “I’d like to come too, if you don’t mind. I want to see Kevin get his ass handed to him.” Thea chuckles and Kevin scowls. 

“What makes you think that’ll happen?” Kevin demands. 

Neil shrugs and gestures at Thea. “Her biceps are bigger than yours, Kev.” That causes a roar of laughter louder than the music. 

Aaron’s glad that his guests are enjoying themselves at the least. He looks around for Allison and finds her on the couch with a tiny girl who is smaller than he is. She’s also a fiend for coke. He’s not even sure how old she is, but she’s one of Natalie’s girls, so it doesn’t really matter in the end. 

“Tabby,” he says in greeting. She tosses up one hand in a wave. Allison has one arm around Tabby’s shoulders. They’re curled up together at the arm of the couch and Allison is running her free hand through Tabby’s blue curls. Aaron drops a bag of dust over the couch into Tabby’s lap and turns to Katelyn, nodding at the door. She heads out in front of him and he follows, one hand barely grazing the small of her back. He’s aware of eyes on him as they leave, but he ignores them all. 

Out in the hall, Katelyn looks at Aaron with her eyebrows pinched together over the bridge of her nose and her lips pursed in a tiny frown. “Matt introduced them all. I hadn’t met them. Andrew…”

Aaron just shakes his head and brushes by her on the way to the apartment Natalie and Allison are supposed to share for the duration of the others’ stay. He shoves open the door and looks over his shoulder at Katelyn. “I’m fed up with all of them right now. I don’t want to talk about it.” He jerks his head at the interior of the apartment and Katelyn presses her lips into a thin line, but she nods and follows him inside. She shuts the door behind herself and goes to sit on the old, worn couch Natalie’s girls had found and brought up the other day.

Aaron sits beside her as she tugs an ancient-looking iPod out of her hoodie pocket and slowly unravels the headphones. She presses the earbuds into Aaron’s hand silently and he puts one into his ear as she turns on the iPod. He can’t really see the scratched-up screen, but after a moment, he can hear  _ something _ . It’s like white noise, almost. 

A man’s voice crackles through the tiny earbud. “All right. State your name and date of birth for the record.” 

There’s a pause, a shaky breath, and then: “Katelyn Rollins, June 21st, 1991.” 

“Great. Now, we’ll take this as slow as we need to. Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me everything you can. I’ll ask questions if I need to.” The man’s voice is low and rough, but his tone is gentle. 

“The beginning?” the recorded-Katelyn asks. “What do you mean?”

The man sighs a little. “You told one of the other detectives you were kidnapped. Start with that, okay?”

Aaron looks up at the Katelyn right in front of him. She is staring at the wall, her fingers twisting hard at the hem of her hoodie. He reaches over and latches onto her fingers. She gives him a forced smile, but there’s no warmth in it - only tension. 

“Oh.” The recorded-Katelyn sniffs a little and he can hear some shifting. She takes a breath again. “I was nine. It was just after school started back. I don’t remember how...how it happened, really. I just remember waking up with the other girls and being so scared…” 

Aaron snatches the earbud out of his ear. Katelyn’s thumb is quick to press pause on the iPod. He looks at her, frowning. “Why...why am I listening to this?”

“So you’ll understand,” she whispers. Her voice is so much like the recording that it knots Aaron’s stomach. “It’s easier this way.” Reluctantly, he puts the earbud back in his ear and she presses play once more. 

It takes over an hour for him to listen to the entire recording. By the end of it, the recorded-Katelyn sounds hollow. Whoever is doing the recording - he knows it’s the cops, but he doesn’t know the man’s name - has had to stop three times because she was crying too much. He’s got a fairly good grasp on the situation, he thinks, but he still doesn’t understand all of it. 

For over a decade, Katelyn had been part of a sex-trafficking ring. Listening to her hash out the details of how she was raped and the various other things she was forced to do has killed what little buzz he had. He squeezes her fingers - which she never took away - to get her attention. He doesn’t know what to say, not after hearing all of that. 

Katelyn looks over at him and forces another cheerless smile. “So now you know. Natalie said I had to tell you. She said it was only fair that you understand. I agreed.” 

Aaron has no response to that. He shifts sideways so that he’s facing Katelyn. “Is that...is all that,” he nods at the iPod in her hand, “done and over with now?” She nods a little. “Then why does it matter?”

“I was a whore,” Katelyn says with a sad little laugh that twists up Aaron’s insides. “I let people fuck me for money. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“If you’d had a choice? No, it wouldn’t.” Aaron can’t look at her, but he stares at where he’s still holding onto her fingers. “You didn’t get a say, though. You didn’t get to tell any of those fucking douchebags no.  _ That’s  _ what bothers me.” 

Katelyn’s quiet for such a long time that Aaron finally looks up at her. She’s just staring at him, her lips quivering and her eyes full of tears. He drops her hand quickly and moves back and away from her, not knowing what he did wrong. 

“I’m sorry. Fuck. Katelyn -” 

She shakes her head, which knocks loose some of the tears. She uses her sleeves to wipe them away and she gives him a truer smile than she has since they came in here. “It’s fine.” She laughs a little and keeps wiping at her eyes. “Shit. I didn’t mean to cry on you.” She sniffs and lowers her hands into her lap, twisting at the worn cuffs of her light pink hoodie. 

Aaron has no words for this situation. He knows anything he says can’t make what happened to her go away or make it better at all. Still, she seems a little bit more relaxed than she did before she started crying a moment ago. No new tears have come forth either, even if her eyes are still a little red. She looks up at him and raises a hand to her mouth before chewing on her thumbnail for a moment. 

“Natalie said...you wanted to be with me,” she says softly, then looks back down at her lap. 

Aaron shrugs uncomfortably. He picks at a scab near his wrist that he doesn’t remember getting. “Seems pretty shitty that Natalie told you, but yeah, whatever.” He wants to be pissed off, but the nauseous feeling that settled in his stomach earlier just won’t quite leave. With an angry huff, he stands and looks over at her. “Come on. Let’s just go back to mine. I want a drink.” He walks away from her, keeping his eyes on the floor. “You don’t have to agree to anything if you don’t want to. Fuck what Natalie says or thinks.” 

“Aaron.” He stops at the door. He can hear her footsteps as she gets closer and see her shoes when she stops just beside him. He barely resists a flinch when she touches his shoulder. 

“We’ll talk about it later,” he mutters. “I have too much shit to deal with right now.” He glances up at her and she nods. Before he can turn to leave again, though, she reaches up and catches his face between her hands and kisses him gently, then smiles. He just blinks at her. 

Twisting to the side a little, she slips between him and pushes open the door and eases out into the hall. He shakes his head a little and follows after her, pulling the door closed behind himself. They head back into his apartment and Aaron ignores everyone’s looks. He just goes for the tequila in the kitchen and fixes up a few shots for himself with plenty of dust in them. He doesn’t want to think about that fucking recording again for the rest of the night, so he’ll make sure he’s as hammered as he can get before bed. 

The girls don’t stay for long after that, though Katelyn does peck his cheek again before she leaves. He tosses more dust on the counter and tells Allison the running total for how much he’s owed for what they’ve had so far. She nods, but he doesn’t expect any payment for it at the moment. While he’s fixing his next drink, Matt manages to corner him in the kitchen and ask what happened with Katelyn. 

Aaron stares at the two shots worth of tequila in his short glass and he downs it before he refills the glass and adds orange juice. He takes out a cigarette and lights it and moves closer to the window. Matt follows. “We talked about some shit,” he tells Matt. “Basically why Natalie is protective of her and all. Not my story to tell.” 

Matt nods and takes a considering sip of his own drink. “So you and her, then?”

Aaron shrugs and ashes his cigarette out over the window ledge. “We’ll talk about it later.” He gestures to the rest of the room with a wave of the hand holding his glass. “I’ve got too much other fucked up shit going on right now.” He leans against the wall with a huff. “I’ll probably have more goddamn nightmares tonight.”

“Wanna stay in my room?” Matt asks, frowning. Aaron shakes his head. “Okay.” He lets the issue drop, even though Aaron can tell Matt wants to fight him on this. He won’t, thanks to the others in the room. “They’ve just been happening a lot lately…”

“Think I don’t know that?” Aaron snaps. He’s bitter about needing Matt to drag him out of the nightmares or piece him back together after them. He drains his drink and is tempted to throw the glass, but sets it down on the counter with too much control instead. Part of him desperately wants to escape to the roof again, but he won’t when he’s drunk - more for Matt’s peace of mind than anything else. Instead, he rolls two blunts and fixes himself another drink before taking up his previous perch in his chair. 

He only begins to worry about Natalie when the others shuffle off to their own temporary apartment and she still isn’t answering any of his calls or texts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love those of you who comment and leave kudos and shit - yall rock and make my days so much better


	9. the one that has almost no plot but has some Quality(TM) allison/aaron brotp time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so so fucking sorry that it took me so long to write a shitty ass chapter like this one
> 
> but i really hope the next one will be better - and the one after that will be even better (i think) (i'm still working on the timeline and the spacing - sorry if the flow is weird)
> 
> a lot of shit happened, but i'm back to being a human fucking being again so that's a plus, right? :)
> 
> i hope this is not too terrible for you guys. you're amazing and i love you all.

Aaron has been awake for two hours when he hears the knocking. He ignores it for a while, but when Allison starts shouting his name, he groans and rolls off the edge of his bed. He's hungover and in a shitty mood thanks to the nightmare that jerked him awake. Matt typically sleeps like the dead, so Aaron knows he won't get up to open the door. He heads through the apartment, grumbling under his breath the entire way, and wrenches open the front door. 

“About damn time,” Allison snaps. She is dressed and ready for the day, even though it's only just now ten am and she didn't leave until after four last night. “Natalie is coming back, so I want a couple of blunts and whatever else she usually gets from you.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “She doesn't do anything but drink and dust, princess. Shouldn't you know that?” 

Allison presses her lips into a thin line. “I thought…” She shakes her head. “Nevermind. Smoke me up then. I want a good buzz going before she gets here or I'm just going to yell at her.” 

Aaron moves away from the door to let her in and closes it behind her before locking it once more. “Did you ever find out what kept her?”

“No, and I doubt she'll tell me.” Allison perches on one of the bar stools as Aaron moves toward the kitchen, aiming for the pantry and the Batman cookie jar. “It doesn't really matter. At least you won't have to put up with us all night again, right?” She says the last bit with a hateful sneer. 

Aaron slams the jar on the counter a little too hard. “So sorry. I forget, who was it that agreed to all this? Oh, that's right, it was  _ Matt _ . Not me. You said it yourself, princess, I'm an asshole. I don't like those fuckers and I hate having my home invaded by people I don't know and don't trust. So excuse the fuck out of me if I'm suddenly slammed with fucking babysitting duties while your fucking girlfriend goes off doing who fucking knows what, and I'm a little salty about it. I didn't ask for this.”

Allison just stares at him for a long moment, the silence stretching thick and tight between them. Finally, she nods. “Fine. Be pissy all you like. I'll make sure Nat understands that you aren't cool with us hanging out here.” 

Aaron nods and works on breaking up a few nuggets for the blunt. “Thanks.” He crumbles the weed into fine little pieces and picks out the few spare stems before grabbing the blunt wrap and ripping it open with his teeth. He sets to work filling the wrap and rolling it tight, licking the edge and pressing it down. He passes that one over to her and grabs the spare lighter from the bottom of the cookie jar, indicating for her to light it. Only after she’s taken her two hits and he’s taken his does he begin rolling the second blunt.

The pot settles both of them and mellows out their foul tempers. He rolls a third and fourth blunt as well, deciding he might as well finish off the last of the stash in the jar. He tries to make a mental note to himself to refill it later, but he doubts he’ll remember. By the time the fourth blunt is finished, they’ve smoked over half of the first blunt and Aaron’s already feeling better than he was when he first woke up. He puts the cookie jar away and grabs waters out of the pantry along with Matt’s box of Cheerios just to piss him off. 

“TV’s all yours, princess,” Aaron says, gesturing towards the couch. He finishes his hit and passes back the blunt before wandering over to his room, intent on finding his phones. The burner is on the table by his bed, but it’s dead, so he plugs it in to charge and fishes his personal phone out of the covers on his bed. It still has most of its battery left. It also has a text from Katelyn. He taps on it to read it as he heads back into the living room. 

_ Nat’s back and looks rough. Don’t ask.  _ Aaron squints at the message, trying to figure out exactly why Katelyn is warning him and what she means by “rough”. He can’t be bothered to try to piece it together right now, though, so he moves on to the next message.  _ Reno’s @ 9, y/n? _

Aaron feels his mouth drop open. He can’t quite make sense of the text. Allison laughs at him, pausing in her channel surfing. He looks up at her, his head tilted to the side.

“What are you looking like that for?” she asks, a little of the laugh still in her voice. It seems the pot has cleared the tension between them. Aaron notices this somewhere in the back of his mind and he’s distantly grateful for it. He really doesn’t want Natalie pissed at him on top of everything else that’s going on. 

“Uh.” He looks back down at his phone and reads the second text again. “Katelyn asked me out on a date? I think?”

Allison cackles again, the one that makes her sound like some kind of cartoon villain. He types back “yes” before he can second-guess himself. He flips through the other message - one from Natalie that came in ten minutes ago and simply says she’s on her way - then sits back in his chair. He isn’t sure what to think about this new thing with Katelyn. He was so, so sure he’d never get to have her that he’d never even considered the possibility. 

“What’s with the face?” Allison asks, propping her stilettos on the coffee table. “I thought you’d be happy.”

Aaron shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t want to...to taint her.” He tucks his feet up in the chair with him, curling himself into the smallest possible position he can manage. “I’m just some fucked up drug dealer. Why’s she like me anyway?”

“Fuck if I know, but she does, so just roll with it,” Allison says with a shrug. “Don’t let other people’s expectations and view of you get in the way of what you want. Fuck that.” She makes a face and leans forward, swiping up Aaron’s crumpled pack of cigarettes from the coffee table. She lights one and passes it over to him, including a faint lipstick stain, and then lights another for herself. 

He takes a long drag on the cigarette and forces himself to relax, to uncurl his limbs and sit closer to normal in the chair. He’s left in a compromise with himself, one leg tucked underneath himself and one arm still wrapped around his middle, but the hand with the cigarette rests on the arm of the chair and his other foot is tapping on the hardwood anxiously. It’s too early and he’s too high to really digest everything Allison is saying. There is a time and a place for the tragic backstory talk she’s building up to, but he’s not in the mood for it right now, so he mentally vetoes the here and now. 

“I don’t give two shits what other people think,” he mutters, his voice flat and uncaring. “Well, people in general. But why Katelyn? Why...why now?”

“Now? I guess because Natalie okayed it.” Allison ashes her cigarette in the ashtray on the table and sits back, all elegance and grace. Her soft pink dress is short, only reaching to the middle of her thighs, and it’s tight, but it’s not revealing and it’s not slutty or anything like something Aaron would see on the streets. She’s an alien creature and he briefly wonders how the hell she and Natalie ever met. “Why Katelyn? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know her well enough. Why  _ you _ ? Well, you’re attractive enough, for a shorty, and you’ve got money even if you are a drug dealer. Maybe that’s part of the charm. You’re a grade-A asshole, but you’re not actually a jerk, so I don’t know what to make of you half the time. I want to be pissed off at you, but you don’t ever really  _ do  _ anything that deserves it.” She shrugs again and takes another drag on her cigarette. 

“Okay?” Aaron has to unfold himself more and lean forward to ash his cigarette as well, just as the ash is threatening to crumble onto his chair. He barely manages to reach the ashtray before it crumbles. “You’re not very helpful, you know that right?”

Allison smirks, but it’s a little sad. “Never said I was. I’m just here to look pretty.” She considers for a moment. “And kick ass if necessary, I suppose.” 

It’s Aaron’s turn to laugh. “What are you going to do, stab someone with your fucking shoe?”

“And ruin the Valentino? Fuck that.” Allison flicks her nails at Aaron with a sour look on her face. “Idiot. I don’t care if these  _ are  _ my street shoes. I’m still not wasting them on some dumbass and getting blood on them. Natalie taught me to fight, thanks. I also carry a gun whenever I go out, just so you know. I don’t miss.” Her voice goes hard at that and Aaron wonders, briefly, if she’s ever really shot anyone. He decides he doesn’t want to know.

“I get it, shit,” Aaron grumbles. He reaches for one of the bottles of water and the box of Cheerios, then crushes out his cigarette. He opens the bag and starts to much on the dry cereal, taking swigs of water every now and again. Allison had settled on some crime drama, so they watch in silence while he eats and she sips at her own water. She grabs the second blunt once her cigarette goes out and lights that. He doesn’t ask why. They just smoke and watch tv in silence. It’s better than the first blunt though, more peaceful, even if there is a strange air about Allison now.

He’s about to ask some stupid question, say something - anything - to get the strange mood to go away when there are a few knocks on the door. Allison looks down at her phone and frowns so Aaron doesn’t think it’s Natalie just yet. That means it’s probably one of the other fucks. He sighs, feeling put-upon, but drops the cereal on the table and gets up to go answer the door. 

It's the one with the fucked up face - Neil. “Yeah?” Aaron asks, his mood plunging towards the deep end once more. 

“Is it safe for me to run out here?” His face is carefully blank and his tone is neutral, but Aaron can see that he's forcing it. 

“Yeah, just go left when you leave the building. Right will take you towards a bunch of construction shit.” He takes in Neil’s baggy shorts and loose tee shirt and worn running shoes with a passive, quick glance. “You have a phone?” 

Neil holds up an ancient flip phone and Aaron sighs a little. “Why?”

“Because if you get lost I was hoping you could just GPS your way back,” Aaron says. 

“I won't get lost,” Neil says, and then he's leaving. He's down the stairwell before Aaron can protest, so Aaron just shuts and locks the door once more. 

Allison hums a little from her spot on the couch as Aaron resettles in his chair. “I suppose I should have mentioned that Neil was a runner.” She shrugs one dark shoulder. “Whatever. He’ll be fine.”

“I'm not spending my morning hunting his ass down if he does get lost,” Aaron mutters, grabbing the box of Cheerios again. “I gotta go get something to fucking wear.” He doubts his cargo pants and hoodies are acceptable at a place like Reno’s. He Google's the place and knows he definitely doesn't have anything appropriate to wear. It's quite a few steps above Denny’s.

Allison hums as he sits and passes the blunt back to him. “Where are you going?”

“Reno’s,” Aaron answers through an exhale of smoke. 

She has to wait until he's done coughing before she speaks again. “I'll grab something for you.” 

“What?” Aaron chokes on his inhale and spends the next few moments feeling like he's about to cough his lungs out. When he can finally breathe again, he croaks, “No. You aren't buying me shit.”

“I'm going to a show anyway,” Allison says with a shrug. “I have to find a few things to buy for my fashion line. I've been trying to dip into men's wear anyway, so you'll be doing me a favor as my test dummy.” She gives him a sharp grin as she takes the blunt. “I want my line to be a mix of McQueen, Balenciaga, and Versace. Elegant but with a sharp twist.” She eyes him up like a piece of meat and Aaron shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “I'll tell you where to go to get fitted. Anything I pick will need to be tailored. They can have it all done by tonight, don't worry.” 

Aaron just shakes his head. “Is that all you do? Go to fashion shows and buy clothes?” 

“Mostly,” she admits. “My parents have people to handle the business end of things, but I do a lot of hands-on work.” She sighs a little. “I didn't want to work with the resorts, so I found my own thing. Well, sort of.”

“Resorts?” Aaron eyes her as he takes the blunt back. It is almost gone so he just knocks the cherry off in the ashtray and sets the roach off to the side. He lights cigarettes for them both while she answers. 

“Reynolds Resorts. I'm sure you've heard of them. My parents own and run them.”

“Then why the fuck are you staying here?” Aaron asks. She takes the cigarette he offers. “I know good and well that one of those fancy hotels are in Manhattan. I see the ads everywhere. Why not stay there?”

“My parents think I'm there,” she says, smirking. “They don't know about Natalie and I don't intend to tell them. I'm not interested in the snobs they shove in front of me and try to convince me to date so I just pretend I'm not interested in anyone. It's easier that way.” 

Aaron doesn't respond. Allison just taps one fingernail on her phone screen, her shoulders slumped as she frowns at the television. He huffs and stands, heading for his room. If Allison is going to be getting him clothes, he figures he can at least fuel her coke habit. He doesn't think he'll win any argument against her, but that doesn't mean he has to wear whatever she picks. He can just wait until she leaves and donate the shit. Let someone else enjoy her fucking charity. 

He fixes up a few lines on his little mirror for them both and then gets a couple of baggies together for Allison to take with her. One has enough weed for a couple of blunts, the the other has a few grams of coke. It should be enough to keep her happy for the day. He takes it out to the living room just as Allison's phone rings. 

“Come on up,” Allison says, a small smile on her face. She glances over at him and the smile turns into another sharp smirk. “Aaron and I are doing a couple of lines. I'm ready to go, though.” She hangs up and holds out her hand for the mirror. 

“Nat?” Aaron asks. She nods and takes the straw. She sets the mirror on the table and bends over to snort up two of the lines” then tosses her head back and grins. “As soon as you leave, I'm fucking cleaning. So make it fast.” He sits in his chair and she slides the mirror to him so he can snort his own lines. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Allison says, flapping a hand at him. “Nat had to bring my rental over. It took her a while.”

“Have you seen her yet?” Aaron asks, remembering the text from Katelyn. Allison shakes her head. “Katelyn said she looks rough and not to ask. I don't know what all that means, though. Figured I'd warn you.” 

“Thanks,” Allison says, then she's bouncing up and heading over to unlock the door. He can barely hear the footsteps in the hall, but Allison opens the door just as Natalie reaches it. “Hey, babe.” Allison dips down and brushes a soft kiss on Natalie’s badly bruised cheek. 

“Need anything?” is all Aaron dares to ask. The bruise under her eye is the only thing he can see, but he doesn't doubt there's more damage under her clothes. It's odd to see her out of her usual ripped jeans and tees or club clothes, but she's wearing a light purple dress today, long and flowy. He knows jackshit about fashion, but this looks like something Allison picked for her - all light, breezy fabric and a thin sweater to go over it. 

Natalie nods to him. “Some oxys, if you don’t mind.” 

Aaron doesn’t question her, doesn’t even give her an odd look, just nods and heads back to his room, grabbing the now-clear mirror on the way. He bags six pills and preps two more for her, figuring that should be enough for the day. The entire exchange when he heads back to the living room is wordless, though Allison is bouncing her knee where she’s sitting beside Natalie on the couch. Natalie blows both lines quickly and sinks back into the couch for a moment with a grimace. 

“We’re going to go shopping after the show,” Allison tells Natalie. “I need to find something new for my line and I want to work on opening up the men’s line again. Aaron’s going to be my test dummy.”

Natalie smiles at Aaron, her eyes hooded. “Don’t worry, Allison will find something to suit you.” She takes Allison’s hand in her own and kisses her knuckles. “One of us will call you when she needs you for them to tailor it. Come on.” Natalie forces herself to stand, but it’s a little more fluid than the way she sat back and Aaron knows the oxys have hit her hard. 

“Wait.” Aaron digs into his sweats’ pocket and holds out the three small baggies. “For the day.” Allison takes them and stuffs them into her tiny purse. He really can’t fathom how she actually fits anything in there, but he doesn’t care enough to ask. “Now get out so I can fucking clean.”

Allison cackles again as she loops her arm with Natalie’s and they head out of the apartment. He just sort of stares at the closed door for a moment and takes in the near-silence, then turns around and sets about picking up the mess. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to those of you that comment, i love you even more. because you talk to me. and that helps a lot with the whole creative process thing. pleasure center of the brain and whatnot i guess. idfk. still. ♥
> 
> that being said, yes, i am shamelessly begging for comments. i need validation and love. judge me all you like.
> 
> also, if anyone needs a beta reader, hit me up. i'm dirt cheap i swear (and i do good work - just not to my own shit because i seriously do not care after staring at this shit for HOURS)


	10. the one in which there's a double date and some pretty bad shit happens at the very very end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh... i'm sorry again for how long it took me to update... this one is a little longer to make up for that. 
> 
> bad shit happens at the end. consider that your warning. 
> 
> also, there's like, some very mild, sort of off hand and vague ass remark that alludes to an eating disorder if that bothers anyone? but it's not specific or anything. 
> 
> enjoy gratuitous clothes and cheesy date shit. :)
> 
> also, in the words of webedragons, if matt were a tree he'd be a pine

Allison, Aaron decides as he stares at himself in the mirror, isn’t half bad at picking out clothes. He likes the tee shirt. It’s ridiculously soft, black, and has a huge white fingerprint shape in the center. It’s paired with a slim black blazer that, according to Allison, highlight his broad shoulders and slim waist. He just knows it’s damned comfortable. Both are Armani, so he decides he needs to get some fucking Armani himself sometime soon. He isn’t a fan of the distressed skinny pants she’s forced him into, even if they do look nice. They just aren’t his style. Still, Allison wouldn’t let him change them. The boots make up for them. He’s never worn McQueen before, but these hobnail boots are fucking fantastic. 

When he comes out of his room, Matt gives a low whistle and a wolfish grin. “Damn, Aaron.” Aaron flips him off, but Matt just laughs and moves closer. “Well, come on. We don’t have all night and you’ll be late if we wait too much longer.” 

“Hang on,” Aaron mutters. He goes to the kitchen and grabs the Batman cookie jar from the pantry. He’d refilled it earlier after cleaning the whole apartment and he’d left himself a few blunts. He grabs two and wraps them up in a plastic baggie before shoving them at Matt. “I can’t fit anything in these fucking pockets.” His grumbling is met with more laughter from Matt, but they do head out of the apartment. 

Matt runs down the hall to tell the others they’ll be out for a few hours and to just stay in or only go as far as the bodega down the street if they need anything. Aaron heads down the stairs without him. Allison was nice enough to lend Aaron her rental for the night, but Matt wanted to play chauffeur so Aaron had given him the keys earlier. He climbs in the passenger’s seat just as Matt comes outside and unlocks the doors. 

“What are you gonna do while we’re eating?” Aaron asks. 

Matt shrugs. “There’s a bar just a couple blocks down. I might go there.” He cranks the car and they head down the road towards Natalie’s. “Don't worry about me. Just have a good time. I'll go hang out with the others when we get back to the apartment if you want. They still have a stash of booze.” 

Aaron nods. “I'll see what Katelyn wants to do. If you head over there, I'll load you up with dust.” 

“Sounds good.” Matt grins, but Aaron can tell that it's forced. He doesn't ask. He doesn't want to know. 

He and Matt fuck around when they are high and they live together but that's...that's all. That has to be all. Aaron twists his fingers together so hard it hurts. He wishes shit could be simpler. 

Matt turns on some music and they don't talk for the rest of the short ride. When they get to the apartment complex, Matt parks and they head inside together. The girls wolf whistle at Aaron and he ducks his head as he goes down the hall to Natalie's apartment. Allison told him to head there. Matt knocks on the door for him. 

After a moment, Natalie answers. She's dressed up too, wearing a long purple dress with long sleeves and a high collar. Half of her hair is pinned up on one side and she is wearing makeup that looks far different from her usual dark club makeup. Aaron nods to her and she gives him a small smile. 

“Come in. Allison is finishing up with Katelyn. They won't be long.” Matt closes the door behind them after she steps back. “Allison has reservations for us as well.”

Matt laughs. “Good. I won't have to worry then.” 

“Worry about what?” Aaron snaps. “It's a restaurant, not a club. I doubt any Raven fucks would try anything in a place like Reno’s.” He scowls at Matt, but it's ineffective. 

“Never know,” Matt shrugs. “Anyway, I guess I'm driving all of you?” Natalie nods. “Who’s calling shotgun?”

“Me,” Aaron grumbles. He sits on one of the barstools and crosses his arms over his chest. He looks to Natalie. “I brought a couple of blunts. I know Katelyn has trouble eating sometimes, so I figured it would help. Do you mind?”

Natalie gives him a little smile. “That's fine. Just open the balcony door.” Aaron stands to do that as Matt digs the baggie with the blunts from his pocket. “I never thanked you for the oxys.”

“Don't worry about it,” Aaron grumbles, not quite turning away from the door to look at her. He examines his new boots instead. He likes the metal all over them. He doesn't want to get them dirty in a fight, but they might prove useful if it comes down to that. Although the fucking tight pants might prove to be a problem. 

He keeps his eyes on his boots and stays propped against the wall by the balcony door until he hears a door snick open. “Oh, hey Matt. Hey Aaron.” It's almost like he can hear the smile in Katelyn's voice. He glances up, only intending to give her a nod or something, but his eyes catch and he can't look away. 

She's got on a pretty black dress that goes to the floor. It doesn't really show any cleavage, but it isn't cut as high as Natalie’s dress, either. Her dark blonde hair has been twisted up into some kind of braided bun thing with a few loose strands to frame her face. Her makeup, like Natalie's, is simple and nothing like the club makeup they usually wear, but Katelyn's is still dark and goes well with her dark complexion. 

Matt snickers and Aaron flushes before he looks away. “You, uh, look really pretty,” he mumbles. He hears a thud like someone getting punched, Matt’s “ow”, and the next thing he knows, Katelyn is standing beside him. She grins and holds up the blunt Matt had been holding until she'd, apparently, taken it from him. 

“Well, smoke me up so we can get going?” Katelyn asks with a light tease to her voice. Aaron nods and takes the blunt from her to light it. After he's had his hits, he passes it to her. Allison and Natalie join their impromptu smoke session by the door, but Matt hangs back. Allison has on a shorter dress than the other girls, but it reaches to just below her knees. It's pink and looks like it was made out of cotton candy or something with how light and wispy it is. Aaron has no idea how she's standing, let alone walking, in the ridiculous high heels she has on - and he isn't going to ask. 

“Thanks for the pickmeup, by the way,” Allison says as she takes the blunt from Katelyn. She takes her first hit and talks through the smoke in her mouth and lungs. “Really helped out.” 

Aaron shrugs her off. “Don't worry about it.” He waits until Natalie has taken her hits before he says, “I was being a dick.”

Natalie coughs on her second exhale. Allison laughs. “You apologise like I show affection. Just give people shit and they like you again.” She looks to Natalie with a sharp grin. “I knew I liked this one. Can we keep him?” Aaron makes an affronted noise, but Katelyn is laughing so he doesn't snap at Allison for the comment. 

“He's his own person,” Natalie says with a shrug. “Though if he ever wants out of dealing, I'll be sure to send him to you first. Deal?”

“Don't I get a say?” Aaron mutters as he takes another hit from the blunt. He glances back at Matt and motions with the blunt, but Matt just shakes his head. Aaron gives him a curious look, but he won't call out the behavior here in front of everyone. He doesn't fail to notice the hoodie Matt’s wearing, though, or how the sleeves are pushed up only part way and how they don't show his elbows. He makes a note to himself to look for fresh track marks later.

The conversation has gone on without him, but Aaron doesn't really care. They're just talking about Allison’s fashion line now and her parents’ resorts and shit. He passes the blunt on to Katelyn once more and digs out his phone to check the time. Their reservation is in less than half an hour and it will take at least that long to get there. 

“We need to go if we’re gonna make it on time,” Aaron says. Katelyn glances at his phone and nods, then reaches over to the nearby counter and the convenient ash tray to rake off the cherry. She holds up the roach for Aaron but he just motions to the ash tray, so she leaves it beside it. 

“Okay, I'm actually hungry. Let's get going.” Katelyn smiles brightly at him. He twitches his hand as if to take hers, but catches himself before he can really follow through with the action. She notices, though, and grabs his hand herself with another smile. Aaron tries not to flush when he catches Allison smirking. He scowls at her instead and leads the way to the door that Matt is already holding open for them. 

“Where will you be, Matt?” Natalie asks, sounding conversational. Aaron knows it's more than that, but he keeps his thoughts to himself. 

“There's a bar a couple of blocks away I thought I'd crash at while you guys were eating. Just call me when you're ready to go and I can swing by to pick you up.” He grabs his phone and does something and then shows it to Natalie. “An old buddy of mine works there as a bartender.” 

“No drinking and driving,” Allison says. “It's a rental and I'm not bailing you out of jail.”

Matt just laughs. “I was just gonna go catch up with him for a bit, see how he's doing. It's been a while. And besides, I have a shit load of money stashed specifically to bail my ass out. Just in case. Aaron knows where it's at.” 

Natalie shoots a glance over her shoulder at Aaron as they walk down the stairs and he nods. “We set it up a while back. We add more every so often. It doubles as a savings for other shit, but mostly it's for bail.” 

“I still don't want to be stuck in a New York City taxi if you get busted for DUI. I'm ordering wine tonight. You're D.D.” Allison points one manicured nail at Matt like it's some sort of threat. Matt nods and holds up both hands in surrender. “Good. Now. Natalie and I are going back to the apartment with you guys, but we’ll be in the other one. She's finally letting me try that Nirvana shit and I don't want to be disturbed. Got it?”

“I'll only bang on the walls when you start screaming,” Aaron says. Allison shoots him a glare for that comment and he just smirks back. “Seriously. I know you don't believe me, but just wait.”

“We got like, three complaints from the building manager,” Matt says with a laugh. “I just gave him a tip and he shut up about it, but yeah.” 

Katelyn tips her head to the side. “So you two have tried it? I want to know what it's like!” She seems eager to know, but Aaron isn't keen on her knowing the more intimate details of his and Matt’s weird little relationship. Or whatever. “Sophie had some and she said it was sort of like really strong E, but she was alone and bored.” 

Allison cackles her witch laugh just as they leave the building and head for the car. “Those two,” she says, pointing between Matt and Aaron, “looked like shit the day after. Matt looked like he'd been mauled. I'm surprised you don't still have the hickeys.” 

“It's a little different for everyone, I think,” Natalie cuts in. “Just like other drugs, it depends on your tolerance and how much you take and all sorts of things. Nirvana has had a wide range of effects, from what I've heard, though the most prevalent is a sense of losing who you are for the duration of the high.” 

With a pang, Aaron realizes just how badly he wants another dose of the shit. He is stressed from having to deal with the new fucks Allison had brought and Matt had let sleep in one of the spare apartments. He hates that Andrew has his face and is, apparently, his long lost twin or whatever. He really doesn't want to know the finer details of that story. The Ravens have been moving their territory around again, if his little trip to Manhattan was any clue, and that's something else to worry over. He doesn't want to be Aaron Minyard anymore - even if only for a little while. Matt’s been at the heroine again, even after Aaron’s spent weeks - no  _ months _ at this point - working to get him off of it, if the little haze to his eyes is any indication. Aaron’s very glad he’s already snorted oxys and he’s just smoked, otherwise he’d be a mess of panic on the ground right now.

“Aaron?” Katelyn squeezes his hand and he looks up at her. “You okay?”

He nods. “Yeah, sorry. What’s up?”

“I was just asking about the Nirvana…” Katelyn trails off and glances over at Allison where she’s standing by the trunk of the car. “Allison made it sound like you and Matt did it together. I was just curious.”

“I’ll explain later,” Aaron says, his throat tight. He doesn’t want to explain it at all, but Katelyn deserves to know, he supposes. At the very least, he shouldn’t keep from her the fact that he and Matt fuck sometimes when they get high together. It’s an often enough occurrence, anyway. He has no idea how she’ll react to that, though, and it worries him. His gut is a writhing mess of worms. 

Katelyn nods and gives his hand another little squeeze before she’s leading him over to the trunk and Allison. She’s got an arsenal of perfumes in there, apparently. She picks one for Natalie and sprays it on her, away from everyone else, then picks one for Katelyn and herself and does the same. “We aren’t going in there reeking of pot,” Allison declares as she squirts Katelyn once with something Aaron can’t pronounce but smells peppery. 

“I’m not wearing perfume,” Aaron says flatly. 

Allison just rolls her eyes and digs out another bottle of something. It looks half-used and a little worn, but she holds it delicately. “I still have this, dipshit. It’s men’s cologne, don’t worry.” 

“Why do you carry cologne around?” Matt asks from where he’s leaning against the side of the car, away from the mess of smells. 

“It was Seth’s,” Allison says, her tone flat and dry. She almost sounds sad, but it’s lacking something to make it so. Aaron doesn’t ask, but he does allow Allison to tug him into place and spray the shit on him. It doesn’t smell too bad, even if it’s something he’d never pick for himself. They hang out around the car for another moment while the smells settle and then they all climb in and Matt drives them to Reno’s. 

The girls chat a little more about Allison’s work during the ride. Matt throws in a comment or two here and there, but Aaron keeps quiet. His mind has been tossed into the seas of anxiety now and he’s having a hard time rowing to safety. He desperately wants another oxy to calm him down. He really needs to just start popping Xanax, he figures. That’d help more than anything. Still, he doesn’t want to be a walking zombie like his old dealer’s girlfriend. She’d always had this weird, vacant stare and didn’t look like she could function unless someone told her exactly what to do. 

The drive is over before Aaron really wants it to be. He doesn’t realize how nervous he is until he has to wipe his sweaty palms on his pants. Then he’s out of the car and opening the door for the girls and helping them out. Natalie takes Allison’s arm, so Aaron offers his to Katelyn just to see her smile again. He gets his reward, and it settles some of the anxiety boiling away his insides. They head inside and Allison handles the guy at the little podium thing, so Aaron and Katelyn stand a little separately from them. 

“You look really nice,” Katelyn says softly. She rubs her hand along the sleeve of the blazer. 

Aaron shrugs. “Thank Allison. She turned me into her Ken doll earlier.” He still vividly remembers being forced to try on no less than fifteen different outfits - all for Allison’s approval. “Can’t complain, though. I like the boots too much.” He smirks and Katelyn laughs a little, ducking her head to hide her smile. 

Someone shows up to take them to a table, thankfully a few tables away from Natalie and Allison. They sit and order wine and browse their menus for a moment before Katelyn puts hers on the table and says, “So, you and Matt, huh?”

“Uh,” Aaron stutters. He struggles to find an explanation and sighs. “Only when we’re high, really.” The truth is usually easier, he’s learned, and he doesn’t want to lie to Katelyn anyway. “It’s not like...we aren’t…”

“Aaron,” Katelyn says softly. She reaches over the table and squeezes his fingers. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I just want to understand. When Allison said that earlier...I was starting to think you’d said yes just to let me down gently.” She gives a small, self-deprecating smile and shrugs. “Is that the case?”

“No,” Aaron says, almost too quickly. “No, it isn’t. Matt...Matt’s my best friend and he’s my roommate and… He protects me. Yeah, we…” He glances around and lowers his voice. “Yeah, we fuck when we’re high out of our minds sometimes, but it’s...nothing more than that, not really.” He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “I’m shit at explaining things.”

Katelyn squeezes his fingers again. “I think I understand.” She smiles a little. “I just...I want to be a part of it, if you’ll let me.” 

Aaron knows he’s gaping at her, but he can’t really help it. He knows if Matt were here, he’d be laughing his ass off. Still, he manages to close his mouth and swallow hard. “It...wouldn’t be like that. It’d…It’d be just you and me...if you wanted that. Whatever you want, Katelyn.”

“I didn’t think you liked me,” Katelyn says with a little shrug and smile again. She finally pulls her hand back and she starts to fiddle with the edge of her menu. “You were nice enough, and I loved it when Natalie gave us that cocktail to get high that one time, but… You always seemed so distant.”

“You’re one of Natalie’s girls,” Aaron mutters. “I knew better. And…” He sighs and almost hates himself for admitting this to her, but, fuck, he’s on a role anyway, so he might as well get it all out there. “I didn’t want to taint you.” He doesn’t say the rest of what he told Allison earlier, but only because they are in a crowded restaurant and he doesn’t want to announce to all of these fancy people that he’s a drug dealer. 

“Taint me? Aaron…” She shakes her head. “You couldn’t.” She doesn’t say what he’s pretty sure she wants to say when she presses her lips into a hard line - that she was a whore, or whatever. He doesn’t even consider any of that. It doesn’t matter because that’s not what she does  _ now _ . “You were keeping your distance because of...of you?”

He nods and furrows his eyebrows. “It wasn’t because of you, if that’s what you’re asking.” He scoffs at her self-conscious little shrug. “To me, you’re like...like some fucking angle.” He flushes hot. “Christ, that sounds corny as fuck. Whatever. I meant it.” 

She smiles, even though she’s blushing, and he’s pretty sure he’s just made it his life’s goal to make her smile like that all the time. He’s pretty sure he can manage that if all he has to do is compliment her. It wouldn’t even take any effort on his part. And he  _ wants  _ to. He feels like some lovesick teenager but he doesn’t even give a shit. 

The wine comes and so does an appetizer, they order their main course, and then it’s lighter conversation for a while as they sip at the wine and nibble at the bruschetta. They talk about stupid shit, like how she likes to play Exy with Thea and the other girls sometimes, but usually she just cheers them on from the sidelines. He mentions how he played a long time ago, back in high school. She talks about how she wants to start taking college classes online and he tells her to go for it, even when she shyly mentions that she’d like to be a doctor one day. He shares how he’d been a volunteer EMT for a couple of summers back in high school and had once wanted the same, but couldn’t get any scholarships for college. 

They talk about their lives, their pasts, but they leave out the dark parts, the gritty shit that would drag the mood down. It doesn’t leave a whole lot for them to discuss, but they find other things they have in common. Even though Aaron thinks classical music sucks and Katelyn thinks the same about his screamo, they laugh about it and discover that they both enjoy rap and hip-hop. It becomes almost a game of categories and never-ending twenty questions rolled into one, but Aaron enjoys every second of it, tries to memorize every little detail he learns about her. By the time he’s paying the bill and leaving a more than generous tip to the waiter for keeping their wine glasses full all night, he has elevated her status in his mind from angel to goddess. 

He tells her this as they head outside for a smoke and she laughs, loud and bright. The wine has gotten to both of them, but neither of them care. Natalie and Allison are coming just behind them and Aaron has already sent Matt a text to come pick them up. He’s just gotten his cigarettes out of his blazer pocket when a car slows. 

The back window is cracked. Aaron notices the barrel too late. He drops his cigarettes and is trying to shove Katelyn out of the way even as the gun fires. It should deafen him, being so loud and so close, but the blood has already sprayed over his arms and face before the sound registers in his brain, and by then Katelyn is screaming. Aaron looks up at the car speeding away, but it’s gone already. He falls with Katelyn in his arms and holds her as she coughs blood when she tries to speak. 

“Katelyn!” He’s screaming and he doesn’t realize it until he feels the strain in his throat. He’s holding her, shaking her, trying to make her keep her eyes open. The blood is pouring too quickly out of her back, though. He can see the hole in her chest. It’s too close to her heart. He watches as her eyes catch his and then she goes limp. He screams her name again and again.

It’s Natalie that pulls her away from him. The cops and others have arrived by now. Aaron is in shock, but they coax a statement out of him anyway. He’s released and Natalie and Allison shove him towards Allison’s rental, which is parked just around the corner. Matt manages to get them away from the traffic and they go straight back to the apartment. No one tries to talk to Aaron as he shoves his way into his room and promptly vomits up everything he’d only just eaten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me all of your hate and anger, please. it fuels me and makes me want to write more. 
> 
> :)


	11. the one where some fucked up shit is discussed regarding the events in the previous chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's taking me so long to update this yall - my classes are murdering me (but things should go back to normal in about three weeks)
> 
> here's a chapter, even if it is a bit short
> 
> fun stuff happens in the next one, if that helps?

The hem of Natalie’s pale purple dress is stained rust brown. Aaron watches it as she moves rather than looking at anyone else. Matt’s already managed to get him out of his own blood soaked clothes and into something dry and warm, but he keeps rubbing at his fingers and his face anyway. Matt had taken a hot rag and made sure to get as much of it off of him as possible, and Aaron glanced in a mirror long enough to know that everything but the blood in his hair is gone, but still he feels it on his skin. He’s so high now, though, he can barely even hold his head up, so he doesn’t. He lets it fall over to the side, resting partly on the back of his chair and partly on his shoulder. Natalie shifts her legs and the brown stain on the hem of her dress moves again.

“Aaron.” He drags his eyes away from the stain and looks at Allison. She’s just come back, he thinks. She’s not in her dress anymore, anyway. She’s the most dressed-down he’s ever seen her in sweats and a tee shirt that he’s certain is actually Natalie’s. “Jesus, Matt, how much did you let him have?” Allison crouches by his chair. “He’s in outer fucking space.”

“Uh,” Matt pauses and looks at the mess on the coffee table. “Probably six oxys and at least a couple of Xanax. I don’t know how much he blew through when I was in the kitchen.”

Aaron smirks at Allison. “Eight oxys. Not six.” He rolls his head back and closes his eyes. “Why are you still here? I want to go to bed.” He does. He is so fucking tired. He knows he'll have nightmares again tonight, but fuck, he's been having them so often lately, it shouldn't matter anyway.

Katelyn is dead. He frowns as he remembers. His eyes snap open as his mind not so helpfully supplies a replay of the car showing up, of the gun, of Katelyn’s last few breaths as she lay there in his arms. He had held her, felt the last of the life go out of her, felt her blood seep into his pants and shirt. He rubs both hands down his face as he tries to shake off the sense memory. 

The others are talking around him, but he can't focus on them. He leans forward to grab his cigarettes and almost pitches himself straight out of his chair. Matt has to catch him by his arm and shoulder and shove him back into it. He shakes Matt off and digs a cigarette out of the pack, but it won't light for some reason. Finally, someone takes pity on him, he supposes, and suddenly it's gone. It returns lit and he takes a grateful inhale. 

“Christ, he's gone,” Allison mutters. “You sure you got this, Matt?” 

“Yes,” Matt says tersely. “For fuck’s sake, I've lived with him for almost two years now. I know how to handle him. Just...just go. Both of you.” Aaron watches them leave and doesn't say goodbye. 

He fights to keep his eyes open as he smokes. It's hard, so fucking hard. Still, every time he closes them, he sees Katelyn. Alive or dead, he doesn't want to think about her right now. He just wants to sleep and not think about anything at all for a while. 

Aaron flinches when Matt shakes him. His cigarette is gone. He doesn't know where. “Can you walk?” Aaron shakes his head because he can't even lift his arms right now, much less attempt to walk. It's partly the drugs and mostly exhaustion. Still, Matt doesn't question him. He just gathers Aaron up in his arms and carries him into Aaron’s room. “I'm… I'm gonna sleep in here with you, okay?” Aaron doesn't argue, just rolls over and curls into his pillow. 

He doesn't care about anything right now. He sleeps because the drugs drag him under and refuse to let him go. He has a vivid dream of the date, recalling Katelyn's beautiful smile and her soft laugh. And then he has to watch her die again. He feels the blood splatter on his face and hands. He catches her as she stumbles back from the gunshot in her chest. He falls to the ground with her and just holds her. Pressing his hands into the tiny hole in her chest and the far bigger hole in her back don't help at all, but he does try. Then she coughs all over him, and then she dies. 

He's still screaming her name when Matt wakes him up. It's still pitch dark in the room, so it couldn't have been long. He's still so tired. He doesn't want to sleep, though. If he sleeps again, it will be just another nightmare. He doesn't expect Matt to curl around him in a hug, but he doesn't try to shove Matt away. He doesn't have the energy for it. 

“You have Ambien,” Matt mutters into Aaron’s shoulder. “Take some.” 

“Makes the nightmares worse,” Aaron croaks out. He rests his head on Matt’s shoulder and heaves a sigh. “Where's your heroin?” 

Matt jerks back, but holds Aaron up by his shoulders. “What?” Aaron opens his mouth to repeat himself, but Matt shakes his head. “No. Fuck. I heard you. I don't have any.”

“Shoot it all?” Aaron asks with a sneer. 

“I haven't had any since the last time you got some to sell,” Matt says quietly. He looks down at the sheet covering their knees. “You wanted me to stop.”

“Don't give me that shit,” Aaron snaps. “You were fucking high earlier when we were on the way to Reno’s.” He grabs Matt’s arm and stars looking for fresh track marks. 

Matt lets him. “Yeah, but it was the oxys. That's all I've had in a while, Aaron. I swear.” He doesn't so much as blink when Aaron shoves him hard in the chest, but he also doesn't move very far either. “What?”

“Fuck you!” Aaron shouts. He grips Matt’s tee shirt in his hands and presses the top of his head to Matt’s shoulder to hide his face. The first sob rips its way out of his chest before he realizes it, and then he's crying. He can't stop himself. He's shaking all over before Matt wraps both arms around him and pulls him close. 

He has no idea how long he cries for. It seems like it takes forever. Matt never shoves him away or tries to shush him, only holds him close and lets him cry himself out. He's so drained by the time he's finished that even his hiccups are muted and soft. Matt lays down with Aaron still wrapped in his arms and rubs Aaron's back until Aaron falls into a fitful sleep once more. 

It's midmorning when Aaron wakes again. Matt is awake next to him, but he is just laying there on his back and playing with his phone. When Matt realizes Aaron is awake he tries for a sort of smile, but it just falls flat. Aaron rolls over to the edge of the bed before getting up and locking himself in his bathroom. He pisses and then climbs into the shower. He feels hollowed out and scraped raw. 

When he does finally come out of the bathroom again, Matt is gone. Aaron breaks up a couple of oxys and snorts them before heading into the living room. Matt is in the kitchen, actually cooking something for once, and Natalie and Allison are sitting on the couch. Aaron flops into his chair and grabs his cigarettes.

“Are you up for discussing what happened last night?” Natalie asks. She runs her fingers through Allison's hair lightly but doesn't take her eyes away from Aaron. 

“No,” Aaron says through his first exhale of smoke, “but I suppose I don't have much choice.” He scratches at his neck and his eyes trail over to where Matt is at in the kitchen. Aaron is willing to bet he's making eggs, one of the few things Matt actually knows how to cook. 

Natalie sighs and retracts her hand from Allison’s hair. She folds both of them in her lap. “What do you remember seeing?” 

“Just the black car and the gun,” Aaron mutters. He drags his gaze back to Natalie and sucks in another drag of his cigarette. “I didn't see a plate or anything.” 

“You didn't see who was holding it?”

Aaron shrugs. “Windows must have been tinted or something.” He sighs. “It had to be those fucking Ravens. I mean, who else would it have been?” He sneers down at his hands. 

“Was Katelyn involved with any other gangs or anything like that before she came to you, Nat?” Allison asks. 

Natalie hums softly. “Not exactly. She...she was affiliated with a gang but she wasn't a member. She was…”

“She was their sex slave,” Aaron drawls, taking another hit of his cigarette. “She called herself a whore, but considering she was kidnapped when she was a kid, I can't really agree with that.” He shrugs like the concept doesn't touch him, though in reality it deeply unsettles him. “I figured those fucks had all gone down. Wasn't that how she got out?”

Natalie shakes her head. “Not entirely, no. A gang never goes down in full force. I suppose it could have been one of them, but I don't see what they'd gain from killing her.”

“She turned on them,” Aaron says. He grimaces. “Besides, what would be the point of the Ravens taking her out?” Natalie doesn't immediately answer, so Aaron looks up at her with narrowed eyes. Allison is looking at her too. 

“I took out my old gang leader the day before yesterday,” Natalie says. Her voice is measured and calm, like she hasn't just dropped a major bomb on Aaron. He feels his jaw go slack. Allison just stares at her like she doesn't quite get it, which doesn't really surprise Aaron, but he knows and understands just what that means.

“Your old gang was affiliated with the Ravens,” Aaron says, his voice low. Natalie only nods. “What the fuck did you do?”

She takes a breath and then grabs Aaron’s cigarettes from the table before lighting one for herself. That action alone is enough for Aaron to know how badly this is getting to her, but he doesn't care. Katelyn is dead. It might actually be Natalie's fault…

“My old gang has been encroaching on my territory. I know you've seen Ravens around more often.” She nods at Aaron, but doesn't wait for him to confirm. “They aren't true Ravens, but part of my old gang. I decided it was time to put a stop to it and claim some old blood that was owed.” She rakes her free hand through her short, white blonde hair and sighs. “I'm not sure if Katelyn was a revenge killing for what I did to my old gang or something else. We need to try to find out.”

“What difference does it make?” Aaron snaps. He crushes his cigarette in the ashtray. “Christ. I can't believe you did something so fucking stupid!” 

“Watch it,” Allison bites, angry on Natalie’s behalf. “She did what she thought she had to in order to keep her girls safe.” 

Aaron shakes his head. “No, princess, you don't get it. Natalie knew taking him out would start a goddamn war.” He looks at Natalie. “So was it revenge for you taking out your gang leader or was it done to get at me? That's what you really need to figure out, isn't it?” Natalie nods and Aaron grimaces. 

“I took him out to prevent a war, Aaron.” Natalie's voice is measured, but he can still feel the weight of her words. “They've been trying to take over new territories. It was only a matter of time before someone else got pissed off and we were in the middle of a slaughter.”

“But now you've started it!” Aaron shouts. He is on his feet before he even processes that he's moved. “Those Raven fucks won't let this go, Natalie! Your girls are all targets now, and you know it. I might as well be too, since they know I hang out with you all the time. Fuck!” Aaron smacks his palm to his forehead, then crushes his cigarette out. “I gotta go.” He goes to his room and slams the door hard enough to shake the walls. 

He changes into his normal cargo pants and black shirt, adds a hoodie for good measure, then adds his knives. He grabs stacks of cash from his safe and stuffs them into a messenger bag without counting how much he's grabbing. He finds his burner phone and sends a message to his supplier, letting him know he's on his way. With all the shit Natalie has just stirred up, he doesn't want to risk going out there again anytime soon. 

When he's done with everything, he pockets both phones and leaves the room. Natalie and Allison are still on the couch, but Matt is finished cooking. He holds out a plate for Aaron. “Eat first.” Aaron grabs the breakfast burrito and snags a paper towel before wrapping it up and heading out without looking at any of them again. 

It takes him nearly all day to get down to Manhattan, do the deal, and get back. He'd warned his supplier about him not coming back for a while and about the coming war and got some free product for his information. By the time he makes it back to his apartment, it's getting dark and he's hungry again, the skimpy burrito Matt had made long gone. He is glad, though, that his apartment is empty of guests when he gets back. Matt is the only one in the living room, pausing Call of Duty when Aaron slumps in his chair. 

“You okay?” Matt asks. He sighs when Aaron tosses him a dirty look. “You know what I mean. Trip go okay? No Ravens?”

“None that I saw,” Aaron mutters. He lights a cigarette and huffs out the first cloud of smoke. “Probably because it's not my usual time to go back for shit, but whatever. I got triple what I usually do anyway. Tell the other fucks we're going out tonight. I need to sell some shit.”

Matt nods slowly. “Okay, but what about that shit you were talking about earlier? The war shit.” Matt twists to face Aaron. “Isn't it dangerous?”

Aaron shrugs. “I need to talk to some people, see if they’ve heard anything. Best way to do that is to sell.” He nudges his bag with his boot. “We need to make money anyway, so kill two birds with one stone.” 

“Okay.” Matt sighs and tosses the controller to the side. “What time are we heading out?” 

“Tell them to be ready by ten.” Aaron stands and grabs the messenger bag now full of drugs. He walks towards his bedroom, but stops about halfway there and looks over his shoulder at Matt. “Oh, and we’re taking Nirvana when we get back.”

“You sure that's a good idea?” Matt asks. 

Aaron shrugs. “Don't care. I need to forget for a while. That's the easiest way.” He slams his door behind him and goes to his safe to unload the drugs and start getting everything ready for the night to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always super appreciated
> 
> feel free to find me on tumblr @wingsofwaxx
> 
> send me shit, yall (even tho i know i don't deserve it)


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